your life is calling

burn one down

2009-09-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

last year I went to Burning Man with intent, with purpose, with things to burn down and let go of. i needed to end the summer. i needed to start over. this year wasn't as clear but may have been just as necessary.

last year i bought my ticket about 2 weeks before the event, which pushed me into the will call line, which changed everything.

this year i bought my ticket in February, about as early as i could. i knew all along that i wanted to go, from the moment we left last year. i missed it. i wanted to be there, in the midst of it all again. i missed the people and the sunrise, the fire and the freedom. i bought more crap, prepared so much more, tried to get it all straight. but it didn't help make it any better. if anything, i wish i could go back and do it like the first time, lost and naive.

in heading out, in asking myself why it was that i was even going or what i was looking for, the only answer i could come up with is that i was trying to find answers to all of the questions i didn't know how to ask. i was trying to figure out what was wrong. something didn't feel right, hadn't for several weeks. nothing in particular really, just unsettled and anxious. actually, it's not so much that i was trying to figure it out, i just wanted it to go away.

there was a moment about 6 weeks ago when i had the thought that i might be getting sick again. that scared the shit out of me. there are ways to be more careful, to live right, to be okay. sometimes i lose sight of how important that is. i'm sure it was tied up in everything else. my body sent out warning signals. i'm glad i listened.

this year at Burning Man for me was just about feeling free and comfortable and unencumbered. I went out and danced in a tutu all night (it was TuTu Tuesday so by all means i had to). i watched and appreciated the odd couples, the freaks, the hippie couples and their babies, the lonely, the desperate, and the joyous. I ran off with the fairies, flapped my wings, had my body covered in blue glitter, dozed off waiting for the sunrise, braved dust storms, and even sent a letter to my future self (to be delivered in five years or so).

i took polaroids of people and then gave them away. there's something special about a polaroid picture that never fails to make people smile.

i took about 2 rolls of film with my fisheye, though they're not developed yet. i didn't touch my digital camera at all.

i told secrets. i didn't even realize it at the time, but there were things that i brought up that i probably could've/should've kept to myself. i still read PostSecret every week, as a peek inside people's lives to the side they don't really show people. I don't even think i have a secret that i haven't told anyone ever. If i did before, it's probably gone now. i put it out there. i like being able to do that. Not in a reckless way, but in comfort that i can be myself and not care about being judged.

I'm not sure the people I camped with are really right for me, maybe not exactly who i would choose from all of the people out there. I like them, they're my friends, but we aren't of the same mind on so many things. Fake boobs for instance, that's an easy one. I don't see much reason for any of these women to get breast implants, though they're quite popular with all of the women I camped with.

and then along the way I also realized that we don't all need to agree or share complimentary opinions on most things. our differences made us work as a community just as our similarities did. each person has good things about them that balance out the rest, myself included.

and then, along the way and towards the end of my week at Burning Man, i saw something stuck on the side of a bus that stayed with me...

Belief is the result of a decision to stop asking questions.

It ate away at me for a few days, and to some extent it still does. It brought to mind the many times in my life that i've lost my beliefs, lost faith, started asking questions. It makes me think of the things that i believe in, that i let go of and accept, without question. It brings to mind all of the questions that stand in the way of me believing in the Us.

I don't know what to do with all of the questions. I don't know how to stop asking them. I don't think i'm really ready to. There was a time when i didn't ask any questions, just accepted and loved and believed. My head's been filled with questions and doubts and logic. I don't have the hopeless abandon that i should with you. i miss that. the questions are a burden.

there's a temple beyond the Man, further out on the playa, where people collect their memories and wishes. the night after the Man is burned, they burn down the temple. It's really a beautiful place, especially at sunrise. there are always people there. the walls fill up with pictures and writings and whatever can be fit in. Last year I imagined myself throwing stuff on that fire, letting it burn away. This year i appreciated all that people left behind, but didn't really feel like there was anything i needed to burn. I'm not letting go of anything. Maybe i should have burned my questions and been left with only belief.

shaved

2009-08-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

this weekend, while i was far too intoxicated at a point too early in the evening, i let my friend Jodi shave my head. i haven't had my head shaved since i was in fourth grade. A few weeks ago we had a little get-together at Brian's house which eventually devolved into a head-shave party, where almost every male in attendance got his head shaved nice and close. I abstained. I like my curls and my crazy and just the way it is what it is. Shaved heads almost always look like a certain thing, which doesn't feel like me. Half the time they're for guys that are trying to hide that they're balding. The other half of the time they're macho guys that want to feel like they're in boot camp. I'm neither.

Actually i quite like the feel. I keep forgetting that it's done and then find myself rubbing my own head. Maybe it's for luck.

Jodi was excited about shaving my head, as Brian explained to me. It seems that she doesn't like my usual hairstyle at all, complaining that it makes me look like a little boy. He even told me that she confessed that at one point she was caught off guard and for the first time found me almost attractive, when i was wearing my silly wool golf/cabbie hat backwards, hiding all of my hair. Something about it showing my face more, minimizing the boyish hair. I like wearing that hat but I always think it makes me look like i'm trying to be young. One time when i was wearing it someone mistook me for Skyelar's older brother, so i know it's silly.

Jodi was excited to see what i would look like shaved, and i was drunk, and for whatever reason there were electric shears at this particular BBQ as well, so i sat and let her do it. I'd already decided I'd have it shaved for Burning Man anyways, mostly for comfort and ease in the heat and dirt, but also so i could shed a little more of my usual identity for that week at least.

And this is what I ended up looking like:

Just for good measure, i included the fourth grade version as well. i think my head shape has improved significantly.

Jodi's reason for wanting my head shaved was the part that stuck with me. She said that it made me look like a boy. Then there was an accompanying story that basically illustrated that even when a woman finds all other parts of a man attractive, if they don't look like they can protect them, like a man, then the woman ultimately won't be attracted to him. In Jodi's mind, this is the reason I'm single, why i'm not out getting laid. A woman needs to see me and know that when shit goes down, i'll be there by their side and will protect them at all cost.

And that's where it dug in. At first i defended myself in my head, how far i'd go to stand by and protect my woman. And then i wondered if I'd ever really proven that or followed through. I know I have, and then there are times where i have not.

I don't really think the shaved head makes me look more manly, more protective. If anything, it feels the opposite to me, like i'm a kid again. Kids get their heads shaved because it's cheap and easy for single moms. Men have style and substance and a head of hair that they've come to know and respect. I don't like how conservative and reserved the shaved head is. There's no flow, nothing to grab on to, no wild and determined waves to go whichever way they please. I'll keep it like this for a little while, but ultimately I want life and liberty and a thick mane.

the noticing

2009-08-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

a little while back, we said some things, back and forth, and then we stopped, and then i wondered. i didn't hear from you much at all for a little while, and started to wonder and worry. then i saw what you had been listening to and it was as much of a message as i needed at the time...

Don't Break My Heart
When Your Mind's Made Up
Last Time We Spoke
Nothing Better than a Journey to You
Have You Seen My Love
There Will be Distance
True Love Waits
I Ain't Done, But I'm Going
Good Woman
I Will Be There When You Die
If You Want Me

They were like smoke signals. I thought a bit about smoke signals: how fleeting they are, how much effort you have to put into sending the signal, and how you're not really sure the person on the other end will even get the message. I bet the process of sending smoke signals is extremely rewarding though, just going to the effort providing some relief. Like writing a letter to your love with a quill and ink. Sometimes you just need to send the message, even if the other person doesn't get it.

But what really caught my mind these last few weeks is the process of trying to be noticed, and when someone actually does notice. I've never been big on calling attention to myself. I minimize, i sit back, i don't capitalize my i's. I know this doesn't always serve me well, but it's the way i've always been. I like what's comfortable, not that which calls attention. So much of our society now seems to be focused on this "look at me!!" attitude; from the huge pictures on t-shirts, to the constant status updates, to the exposed flesh and diamond-studded thongs, to all the little flashy things we surround ourselves with. They aren't really you, they aren't who you want to be, you just hope someone will notice that witty saying on your t-shirt and then come and say hi. I've done it too, and now i'm starting to see how pathetic it is.

And then i remember what it's like to be noticed by someone, not for all the little things we surround ourselves with, but for the deep-down guts that reside inside. For the thoughts we let slip out, for the mannerisms and manners, and the absurd way we see the world. For the special part that a t-shirt will never express. For the beauty that you'd miss if you didn't pay attention. But every once in awhile, a long long while, you find someone that does pay attention. And if you're lucky, you notice that special thing in them as well. I don't really believe in love-at-first-sight, or that there's one true soulmate for each person out there. On the other hand, i know that you can know in just an instant, and i know that finding something true is a rare and beautiful thing, like a four-leaf clover.

still lifting my feet

2009-07-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

last week, driving back from Berkeley by myself, after 3 in the morning, down some country roads, i saw a shooting star. this happens alot on late night drives. the difference this time was that i didn't make a wish. i couldn't. i wouldn't. i don't really understand it, or want to go deep enough to get at the truth. i thought about it, mind spinning like a roulette wheel for a minute, just hoping to land on something since i didn't have anything right at the front of my thoughts. But i did, i just didn't want it to land there. I couldn't make that wish.

i still lifted my feet when i went over the railroad tracks that night, so all is not lost.

i always wish on stars. every time. it still bothers me that i let that one fade out and didn't have a wish. i don't really want to "be careful what i wish for...." i just want to have my wish, live in hopeless abandon. though i know i can't.

i'm exhausted this week, dozing off at the end of the day even as i try to stay awake a little longer. tired, but happy. i rode my new bike down to see a movie, got a burrito afterwards and ate it by 1 Mile while watching kids play in the water. I'd forgotten about the game Sharks & Minnows. I don't even really remember the rules, but i think i liked it as a kid. I'll have to lookup the rules so i can pass it down to my own kids.

My rational mind and my romantic inclinations have been having a field day the last few weeks, not so much battling for control as trying to assert their influence. I'm a lover of both sides. I don't really think either should be fully in charge.

...balance....

It all goes back to balance, just like my old friend John used to say. I hate that he's right about that. It makes me think i should have listened to more of the things he tried to tell me. I listened, but i was too young. But his opinions on balance he espoused quite often.

she's not the one for me

2009-06-26T00:59:00.000-07:00

i probably shouldn't have watched Definitely, Maybe. Definitely, maybe should not have watched it. But i'm an easy target. It's about a single dad, newly divorcing, telling his young daughter Maya (for fuck's sake) about how he met her mother, and all the loves of his life along the way.

Seriously, what the hell?

And i was close to tears several times, this much i can admit. The eye moisture was due to interaction with the daughter of course, not his meandering love life.

But let's take a step back to another one that's not for me. I spent an evening with friends, nothing too crazy, and then when i got home my son told me that he heard i'd gone on a date and broke the poor woman's arm.

"I don't think it was a date, but yeah, her arm's in a sling..."

Every time i find myself hanging out with this woman, it ends up being just shy of a date. And i think i'm the one that's just shy, just gunshy, just not feeling it. And yet i go back to it, and try a little more. Maybe i'm looking for a spark that's just not really there. If she wasn't already a friend, someone i respected and cared about, then she'd just be a comet and we'd have some fun and that would be all there would be. But she's not a comet, she's a sun. Just not my sun. And no, i don't even want to go into the explanation of that analogy.

So she gets a hug at the end of the night and then pecks me on the cheek and i feel like a fool. But whatever, you gotta have sparks to make a fire or else you can rub all you want and in the end just be left cold.

I should delete at least half of what's written here.

I shouldn't even be writing this here, but i still can't find my journal and that's that.

I didn't think i was looking for the one, not at all. Let me be clear that when i say "the one" i don't mean to give the impression that i think there's just one, only one, some fated soulmate that is my perfect match out there in the world. I mean it more in the context of the next one, the person that gets me, that makes me care again, that changes my jaded mind. that one. it's possible that there are multiple candidates out there, but it always just feels like one. none of the others matter so much.

awhile back i was with someone for a bit. we had fun, enjoyed each other's company. and then after awhile, i realized that she wasn't that one and never would be. I didn't expect her to be, but i was giving it a chance. The problem was that she started to see me as the one, what she'd been waiting for had finally arrived. That's not a good place to be, so i killed it before it grew anymore. so it goes.

And it was only then that i realized that even if i tell myself that i'm not really looking for the one, i am, always. i think we all are, even if we're busy distracting ourselves with others along the way. There's the harmless fling and then there's the one. It doesn't feel like there's much in-between for me anymore. I don't want to introduce my children to anyone but that one. Not that i ever have, but i could have.

So in this Hollywood clichéd vision of the world, Ryan Reynolds and his boyish good looks (which seem to be good enough for Scarlett Johansson) finds himself tangling up with a few choice women, marrying one for awhile, and then eventually realizing that there was one that he loved more than all others the whole time (about 17 years over the course of the movie). And of course she's the impossibly beautiful redhead, which we should have known all along.

i probably should have written about something else, or nothing, but these were the words swirling around in my head.

you're a ghost

2009-06-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

starting this feels like calling Bloody Mary into the mirror the eighth and ninth times. Fuck it, you haunt me already, you might as well appear right behind me in the mirror.

you died that night you called me, dying and sleepy and cursing me in the backseat of your car. you died in my world for the last time. you were hanging onto the edges of my life while i was just trying to move on. and then you vanished and left a deep pit in my gut. and ever since, you just haunt me.

it's the little creaks and whispers in the middle of the night. it's the uneasy feeling i get for no good reason. i'm moving on from this house, happy to be away from the ghosts. the funny thing is, the ghosts i thought i was getting away from are long gone. You ran them off when you lived in these halls and spaces, and now it's just you that haunts here. You're beneath the paint, deepest of hues. You're scrawled in the bedboard of a little girl that wishes you'd just "come back." You smells, your sounds, your leftover graces, all over the place.

And you're still haunting me as well. in the chill that runs up my spine when i start to get close to someone that's not exactly right, not the one. you haunt those interactions. when i try to read Miranda July's fucking amazing short stories. the way you haunt those words, I can barely read them. It's the way i know you'd write, if you finally had the courage to let us read your words. You follow me around some times, pass by the corner of my eye, remind where you've been and who you were. My friends see it on me sometimes, the ones that know me well and dare to ask. If i've had enough to drink i'll even admit it. it's not that you're controlling my life or suffocating me, but shades of you are present. you're still haunting.

and the music, all around me, you'll always be there. even after you're long gone, you'll still haunt the music. there's no need to play oddly-chosen melodies for me at 2 in the morning, i hear you all the time.

i was going to write this in my journal, the old one that i've barely touched. the Lest We Forget journal that my mom bought for me when i was in college. The one with pages that i know i can't tear out. But i can't find it, and after a bit of a search, i decide that you stole it or hid it. That's when i decided you really are a ghost, an apparition that i can use as a scapegoat for whatever odd thing is out of place. it's especially suiting when those are things that i think you would have done if you could just float in unnoticed. the gremlin in the system that we just have to learn to deal with.

and then i realized that i'm probably a ghost in your world as well, haunting you when you just want to be left alone. I'm the one that creaks the stairs when you're just trying to drift off to sleep. the one that seems to have hidden all of the little things that you'd really like to find.

this is not a death i would have chosen for either of us. I'd leave you be and move on to my afterlife if i had control over it.

Aw ain't it just like the rain?
Counting Crows - the Ghost in You

so it goes, part 2

2008-10-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

my very first blog post was almost 4 years ago, and said simply "and so it goes." There's a story behind that, like everything, but even i didn't really understand the story fully, and i lived it.

Next to where i worked at the time, in beautiful Oroville, California, there was a housing development on a bluff, overlooking a river, that was never meant to be. It was one of those where they tell you how grand it will be, that construction will be starting soon, and then the date for that start keeps moving steadily into the future as the weeds on the barren land grow taller. In the five years that i worked next to that plot of land, the date changed again and again. They weren't even sneaky about it, just haphazardly pasting new numbers over old. Eventually, after the impending construction date quit being updated and had fallen at least a year behind, someone spray-painted over the whole sign...

and so it goes

I can't really explain how much this spoke to me, and probably most everyone else that drove by that sign every day. Oroville is a shithole, and it's no surprise that this dream of fancy houses on the bluff was never realized. Nothing goes right in that town. Everything dies. so it goes.

At the time, i didn't know that this was a quote from Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. I didn't realize all that was behind it, but i guess that's what makes the phrase so perfect: you know without really knowing. When Vonnegut died last year, i read many of the memorials and tributes to him, mostly because i knew he was a great writer that i should have known, but never did. That's where i really made the connection to this perfect phrase, where it came from, and why it fit so well. So i bought the book, finally, and told myself i needed to read it, to fully understand. Months later i took it with me on a train ride to Oregon, finishing more than half of the book in one sitting. But for whatever reason (but for the many distractions and angst that came after that) it sat on my bedside table unfinished.

Last week i finally picked it back up, started over, and finished it. It's a beautiful book, in a most peculiar way, and requires reflection while still being subtle about it. That phrase, so it goes, is used extensively throughout the book (106 times, according to Wikipedia). But it has a very specific purpose: briefly reflecting on death and mortality, and transitioning to the next thought.

They saw some other people moving down by the riverside and they shot at them. They hit some. So it goes.

It's the same refrain, whether he's writing about a man, a dog, nazism, or the entire city of Dresden. Death is a part of life, and though you should pause and reflect, you have to move on and keep living. This also plays into the main character's time and space travels, and introduction to the alien concept of life as a never-ending string of events that you can travel through at will (making death just another event, but not necessarily the last one to be experienced).

Going back in my own time, to the beginning of my blog, and that week before Christmas in 2004, starting with and so it goes makes so much sense, says so much about where i was at, even if i didn't really get the connection at the time. My wife moved out, my marriage ended, that winter was death. so it goes.

Reading the book now, reflecting on that time in my life, all that is similar and different, it all fits all over again. a relationship that i wanted for so long, before i even realized how unhappy my marriage had become, has fallen away and died. that future ended. there's still more to come, but that string of events, and where we thought it was going, is no more. so it goes.

Like Billy in Slaughterhouse Five, i can revisit times and events, both happy and sad, though i know how it all ends. It's hard not to get human and emotional about it, and mourn the death. then again, sometimes it's hard to not just approach it as another event. there's a tendency to avoid the emotion, and mourning, and pain. at least in me. Maybe i don't really agree with Vonnegut. I think we need a balance of both.

this much i know is true

2008-09-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

i'm not dead. i'm not even dying. and just because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost.
that bottle of Admiral Nelson is only $6, and if your pride can handle it, the Cap'n is pretty sure it'll do the trick.
i saw the end of summer on the day before Labor Day. i was walking out to the mailbox, and a breeze blew right threw me; the sun was setting in a slightly different shade of orange; and i finally noticed how many leaves have fallen off of the Asian maple in front of my house. it's not a bad thing, this summer needed to end.
when i stop having that special someone to share my life with....
- i start looking around at where it's gone right, and wrong, in the past. and i focus on the right. and i wish i could have that all over again.
- i think more, and write more, because you have to have some sort of outlet.
- sometimes I think I'd rather settle than be alone

Secret Admirer is still one of my favorite 80's teen sex comedies. A classic story that Shakespeare could have written, a top-notch cast (including a young Corey Haim), and Fruit Loops with chocolate syrup.
communication is the thing.

just right

2007-08-08T13:17:00.001-07:00

just right
Originally uploaded by jojoware

i always think that when you shoot a roll of film, you can expect 1 good picture from it. And even that one may not really be that good. It's all timing and chance, and just the right moment.

ken

The last roll of film i developed had several good pictures, and two excellent ones. Oddly enough, the first 6 frames on the roll were from a year ago. i need to take more pictures.

Here are my two favorites, in a very long time...

2007-08-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

I just saw a shooting star, and I don't know what to wish for. There are 3 or 4 things, and I really can't decide.

I just left dinner with bunch of friends & coworkers. One of the out-of-town guest had an obvious interest in me. She has a boyfriend back home so I don't worry about it too much. But I wonder, and I don't have an answer to my own questions.

I'm parked at a spot off the highway, up on the hill heading outside of town. A place where teenagers go to learn about each other & themselves. A place where I spent a lonely night sleeping in my car, not knowing where I was at or (more importantly) where I was headed. Before I knew what Fillbrook seats were, or why the homeless were so insane, or where best to lay my head.

Lately I'm reminded of those nights in the space between, not feeling at home anywhere. Knowing I could say the word, take it all back, and find a place to lay my head again. But not feeling okay there. Or anywhere really for that matter.

It's not the best place to find yourself, but not the worst either. Just where i find myself right now. As one person said earlier today, at least a bridge didn't fall on you.

i couldn't be less prepared

2007-08-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

this week i was called upon (suddenly) to teach a workshop session for a conference for afterschool programs at Chico State. My session description follows:

Tap into the natural creativity your students bring to your program and let them tell stories through video, produce news segments, and music videos! Bring your own digital videocameras or use one of ours to get basic instruction on how to shoot quality video with a simple handheld camera. Teams will be given the overview of the features found on most modern handheld video cameras, then given a "video shoot" mission to pursue and capture on campus. Upon return from their mission, teams will be shown how to move their video from their camera to their computers for some easy editing and publishing. The skills and activities of this workshop will be easy to follow and easy to implement with students back in your programs.

Someone asked me after the first day's session how it went... "I don't think i could have been any less prepared..." was my response. My son's 11th birthday party was the day before. Keeping 5 boys busy all night was my highest priority, not this session, unfortunately.

The second day's session was going to be quite different. I planned ahead. I brought a handout showing storyboarding for a Beastie Boys video and then showed the video so they could see the similarities and differences. I wrote on the board before the session started so my handwriting was legible. Everything, just right... but only 3 people showed up. One of them was sent there by the lady in charge, so she barely counts (I thought she was a spy to see how well i was doing... until it was reiterated that she is single.) I was disappointed, but it there was more hands-on time so i guess it went better.

Today's session was much better. The lab was full, like the first day, and i was able to go through everything i wanted (including showing the Beastie Boys video) while still having time to let them play with the video cameras for awhile and edit together their footage a bit. It's been a long week though. I think i'll go back to sitting behind a desk again.

non-responder

2007-07-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

hi, my name is joe... and i'm a non-responder.

there are many of you out there, waiting for something, anything, from me. i know it. you know it. we all feel it. but mostly me. truthfully, you've probably known me long enough that you're not really waiting anymore. you probably know that it takes me awhile to process the crap, to have that conversation in my head so i can see where it will end up, to respond to the other 3 people that are in line before you. Actually there are more like 11 people in line before you, sorry. and eventually i will get to them all, but not today. and not yesterday.

today i woke up sore. yesterday i over did it, and went to bed with music lulling me to sleep (or trying) for the first time in many many years. and went to bed worried that my muscle aches were a bit too familiar, for the first time in many many years. went to bed with dirty feet from playing horseshoes barefoot in the dirt. went to bed on clean sheets that deserved more respect than that. went to bed alone, at least until the cat stole the corner next to my pillow again. went to bed worried about all there was to respond to the next day.

but for whatever reason, i decided to write here instead, rather than write out responses to the myriad of people that i imagine are waiting, but are probably just enjoying their Sunday morning calm the same as i am.

soon. i swear.

Little girl learns to dance

2007-06-27T18:04:00.001-07:00

Little girl learns to dance
Originally uploaded by jojoware

Cat vs Rat

2007-03-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

I came home from hockey last night to a surprise. I guess this 12 1/2 year-old cat can still take down a 12 1/2 inch rat.

Son consider the time & fly from evil

2007-03-02T18:09:00.001-08:00

Son consider the time & fly from evil
Originally uploaded by jojoware.

I'm in SanFran meeting with delegates from the Chinese government educational department. If that weren't surreal enough, there was this beautiful church downtown with this inscription: Son, consider the time & fly from evil

I (heart) U Dad(d)y

2007-02-28T22:35:00.001-08:00

I (heart) U Dad(d)y
Originally uploaded by jojoware.

Maia is on an arts & crafts kick right now, and I get all the benefits.

hi, mom

2007-01-29T08:36:00.000-08:00

I got a nice phone call from my mom yesterday morning, which unexpectedly included a confession: she found my blog. She was the one that called it a confession. To me it felt more like happenstance. I don't really do much to hide my blog, or to disassociate it from my true identity, or to advertise it. There are times where this has bitten me, but not too hard. It started out as something that i just wanted to have for my own purposes, but eventually i led some people towards it, while some others i've just sent here directly. It's a snapshot of the last two years of my life, so if you really want to know about me, this is a good place to start.

Along the way, this has created quite a ragtag audience which has included (and maybe still does) the following ...

1 parent
3 or 4 former co-workers
some characters that are just one layer removed, close to people that i know though not that close to me
former lovers and girlfriends, constituting at least half the women i'm ever had sex with
some whom i had considered to be potential lovers, had circumstances been different
my current lover

How to deal? I guess i could cut down what i talk about, leaving me to separate the safe topics from the taboo, but I don't really go into too much detail on the taboo so who really cares? I mean sure, i should probably stop casually mentioning possible flirtatious moves by my local barista, for fear of getting her beat up. Other than that, is there anything that's off-limits?

Looking back at that list, it seems silly for me to try to hide anything on here. Most of those people know me far better than any blog could tell you. They each understand details and subtleties and significance far more than you'll learn through reading my own writings. Maybe it's like the five blind men feeling around on an elephant - they all have a different perception of one piece of me, but it's difficult for any to have the full picture.

I have seen you in various stages of undress.
I have seen you through various states of madness.
I have seen your refractions and I did not recognize you.
I have seen you in various states of madness.
Various Stages - Great Lake Swimmers

your whipped cream on top, with love

2007-01-14T22:05:00.000-08:00

I think the girl that made my large white chocolate mocha tonight has a crush on me.

Either that or they do this with every customer, as a way of increasing tips.

you know... when you're working late on a Sunday evening, while the majority of the world is relaxing, a heart in your coffee can make all the difference in the world.

thanks, Naked Lounge, that was delicious.

banksy

2007-01-03T00:21:00.000-08:00

banksy recognizes the beauty, humor, horror, and absurdity in the world around us. if you've never seen his stuff before, go take a look.

ps - you want to know what else is absurd? that i'd go a month without writing anything, and then come back after all of that and post something that has to do with absolutely nothing.

,

i've been...

2006-12-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

i've been....

sleeping too little
talking too much
wearing out the battery on my phone
driving through snow
wanting to take the long way home
remembering
forgetting
trying to forget
trying to remember
listening to the new and the old
settling in
nesting
finding closure
making new friends
thinking about writing, but not making it there

i'll try to be better about that sooner or later.

,

final girl

2006-11-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

for reasons that i don't really understand, i'm drawn to horror movies. i know i'm not alone; there are plenty out there with the same sick fascination. i usually make it about halfway through a horror movie when the question pops into my head: why the hell am i watching this? sitting through this? torturing myself.

This weekend, in select theaters, a crazy collection of unreleased horror films is coming to scare the bejesus out of us, and i'm really thinking about going. Watch the trailer...

www.horrorfestonline.com

Awhile back i read an article on the Final Girl theory, about the last character left in a horror movie that has to confront the killer. Go read it, and then turn into a film geek like me every time you get to that point in a movie.

And one final girl to finish off this little post. My daughter seems to be a huge horror buff, all of a sudden. I first noticed when we started watching a cheapo horror movie on FX on a Saturday morning (Boo), and she wouldn't let me turn the channel. Blood dripped from the ceiling of an elevator while 2 future victims flipped out and a dead body in a wheel chair between them started to twitch. I said "are you sure you want to watch this?" and she peaked over the top of the blanket she was hiding behind to say "uh huh"...

It's not just movies though. For her birthday last month (fifth), i got her a collection of kids scary stories, Beware!, and she won't let me stop reading it until we get through every story. So night after night i read along as she sits mesmerized. Sometimes i have to adjust the endings to be a little less frightening (the ice cream man that hides bodies in his freezer section is bad enough - he doesn't need to come back for the little girl after she goes to bed), but she loves them just the same. What am i gonna do with her? Maybe she's the final girl, that faces the killer in the end, and allows the male audience to safely identify with their fear. Or maybe i just spent too many nights in a movie theatre in college.

,

inside & out

2006-11-06T13:34:00.000-08:00

I spent most of the weekend cleaning my house, starting with the slimy green pool on Saturday morning and continuing on with garage and dining room on Sunday. The pool water is still green, but at least the algae has been scrubbed off and killed. The garage is still a storage facility for discarded refuse from crumbling relationships, but none of it's mine and i've reclaimed enough space to walk freely. That mess is a beaut, i really should take a picture of it.

So what did i learn after so much time spent toiling and cursing the grime and mess? ...it's much easier to clean the outside of the house than the inside.

how's that for a Monday morning analogy?

everybody's a winner, but especially me

2006-10-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought your Monday was just too much to handle... the tides suddenly turn.

Okay, maybe that's being overly dramatic, but when you're living La Dolce Vita and your Monday isn't so hot, and then you drop your favorite coffee cup... well, you get the picture.

Anyways, the brighter news was that yours truly was chosen as the winner of a little internet contest over on Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands. I guess the PR people for Marie Antoinette (the movie, not the beheaded chick herself) had music bloggers run contests for their readers to help promote the movie and music. So how did i win....?

Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer: Oh, are they?

Yep, classic quote from a classic movie, and all i had to do was pluck it out and post it, and i get a CD, a poster, and some nail polish from some PR department. Thanks to Chad. I'll be sure to share my winnings with everyone when they come in; maybe some picts of my nails painted with the polish and some stolen tracks from the CD over on my music blog.

and lastly, go checkout Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands if you haven't already. he has great taste, as evidence by all of the Elliott Smith posts and the recent [legal] link to Damien Rice's new album, weeks before it comes out in the stores.

,

there's no "i" in "we"

2006-10-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

i spent last weekend in Truckee/Tahoe/Reno with friends, the most notable being One More Potential Lover*. It was a fun weekend, a nice break after moving and working and stressing for so long, and a welcome opportunity to get to know her much better. I've done plenty of overthinking on the whole thing, both in the midst of the weekend and of course afterwards, so i'll share just one of those little things and try to figure it out better for myself.

One of the things i caught myself doing in random conversation was using we as an unqualified pronoun. It started out subconsciously, and then i caught myself doing it. Afraid that someone might actually force me to qualify who the we was in the story, i tried to correct my behavior and switch it to I, and found it to be difficult. It became my own version of the pronoun game, though my own variation lately seems to be a friend game, where lovers are referred to simply as a friend to avoid more pointed questions.

So what's the big deal? I dunno, i guess it just feels like deception, which i don't really care for. There are plenty of stories from my recent past that go something like this:

we looked at buying a house over there...
when we went on vacation to...
at some point we considered...

They're all past tense of course, a life once lived. In every case i could go ahead and switch the we to i and the story remains the same. But it wasn't i that did those things, it was a we that i was only half of. I'm rambling, but you get it, right? My own little identity mish-mash. It's not that i want to strike out all of the past and remember it as me living solo, but i also don't know how to lightly step through the narratives with any new potential lovers (who, more often than not, really don't want to hear you talk about your ex's).

* ya, that's too long for a pseudonymn, but we'll go with it for now.

It's like the sixties, only with less hope

2006-10-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

Considering all of the Hedwig fans that i know are out there, i'm a little surprised that i haven't seen this trailer linked off of someone's blog yet. Shortbus, John Cameron Mitchell's latest film, has been generating controversy for quite awhile, and it's not even out yet. Seems like a perfectly good excuse to start blogging again... hint hint. But it's extremely NSFW so maybe those with bosses less liberal than mine were reluctant to share.

So when you're at home, and your kids aren't hovering, and your mind is open, click the pict and see what you think...

http://www.iklipz.com/Movies.aspx?MovieID=3afbc32d-6c6c-46de-bc2a-507fa425ab22

sooth sayers

2006-10-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

okay, two different pop culture sooth sayers speaking to me this week: music lyrics and horoscopes. I love both because you can usually read whatever you want into them. Which one holds more weight though? Maybe they're really saying the same thing. Guess it's all in your interpretation...

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
I would love to have sex with Bill Frist. Yeah, I know he's an evildoer who misdiagnoses people in vegetative states via conference call, but sometimes you're just attracted to people you shouldn't be. This week, you'll find yourself attracted to someone who's totally wrong for you. You'll know in your heart it could never work, and yet that magnetic sensation will be undeniable. Don't let rationality get in the way. Take a chance and dive right in.

And I went to San Diego,
and the birthplace of the summer
And watched the ocean dance under the moon
There was a girl I knew there,
one more potential lover
I guess that something's gotta happen soon

'Cause I know I can't keep living
in this dead or dying dream
As I walked along the beach and drank with her
I thought about my true love,
the one I really need...
With eyes that burn so bright,
they make me pure

They make me pure, they make me pure
I long to be with you
They make me pure, they make me pure
I long to be with you

hair ass

2006-09-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in the de-sexualized work environment. Maybe it's a good thing i'm the boss then. Don't get me wrong, i don't think sexual harassment is okay, or a good idea, or tasteful in any sense of the word (go ahead, make a pun out of that one). I just don't think people should have to whitewash their personalities while in the workplace.

The reason this comes up? Mandatory supervisor training in sexual harassment. [i'd much rather be sexually harassed right now, than trained]

I have employees, hired through an agency, and therefore i must be trained. There are plenty of other things i'm doing wrong as a boss, so i'm not sure how this one will be rectified by a simple two hour training. Oh yes, two full hours of boring text and questions and me clicking radio buttons until the green checkmark appears. Unfortunately I was too fast in my reading and they mandate 45 minutes for each section. So now i keep completing the last page of quiz questions only to be presented with more questions. I think i'll just go browse porn for awhile instead and contemplate the irony.

this is what i'm supposed to be doing...

this is what i'm doing instead...

wish granted

2006-09-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

In my stream of consciousness spew last night that was supposed to be keeping away from the wallow and depression, i total forgot the best piece of news for the last many months (which could have kept it out of the realm of the downtrodden).

Remember that shooting star i wished upon that didn't seem to be working its magic? Oh ye (me) of little faith. Suddenly the real estate market took a turn for the better and we received two offers on the house on Monday morning. One was lame, but the competition made the other one come out even better. Looks like we'll get our current asking price and a quick escrow to boot. My time in purgatory will soon be coming to an end and i can resume as normal (relatively) back in Chico, which feels like my hometown now more than ever.

,

ex marks the spot

2006-09-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

i was thinking, because that's what i do, how hypocritical it is for me to constantly browse thru my friends' blogs (or anxiously await their emails because i miss them so), when i haven't exactly been writing lately. I suck, that's just it. I can't blame others for not writing when my dry spell has been just as long.

Don't expect much of this post, only randomness. The last one was sort of depressing so i've avoided writing another, for fear it would end up running down the same path.

I've been reading my ex-brother's writings lately, and they're simply beautiful. there's a deep sadness, the same one you see when you watch him sulk around the house, but it's still beautiful. a sample, tortured by the memory of a former love now lost...

she's beautiful and her dark hair falls onto her shoulders softly. the way a bird seems to land on a branch. i know i'm here in this place. this warm water. and i'm saying i don't care. let the world die in its place. i don't care. let the best of friends become modest enemies. i don't care. let all crimes and justice go unnoticed. i don't care. and her eyes speak to me a language, a language i'd long forgotten of or had never a clue to its existence and it was a language that haunted me and haunts me still. she kisses me in that moonlight and i know i'm home. i know that i've found my allegiance. my country. everything that i would fight and die for, need i ever have the chance. yet i say nothing. she grabs both of my hands and turns around so that i am holding her there in that place. our faces pointed to the sky. my nose on the nape of her neck and her hair smelled of lilac all heaven and warmth. her skin was pale. the night fell on.

After reading his for awhile, and some other stuff from other emerging talent, i finally get the difference. I can write okay, but it's purely academic and descriptive, not creative. I don't paint pictures in your mind, or even try to. I get my point across, while they immerse you in their worlds. Sometimes i wish i could write like that, but i'll leave that to the people that are good at it, and continue on with what i know.

I started calling him my ex-brother as a joke, because "ex-brother-in-law" is too long and dull, and he always felt more like a little brother. When i introduced him with that moniker for the first time last week, he seemed to wince, and i knew i should probably stop. Jokes don't make it any easier.

I got my divorce papers notarized this afternoon. When i walked out of the notary's office downtown i saw a homeless couple sleeping on the lawn of City Hall in the shade of a large elm tree. They were the same couple i saw being harassed by a cop the night before when they were sitting idly on a bench about half a block away. The man told the cop they were just out celebrating their anniversary and stopped to reflect; they weren't loitering. The cop moved them along anyway. Life could be so much worse.

,

unmade bed

2006-09-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

There's something depressing to me about an unmade bed. I know where it comes from, i'm sure of it, but it still lingers there, depressing me.

I took the day off, fully. Woke around 11:30, called in sick on my fatherly duties, and proceeded to be a layabout the rest of the day. For me anyway. Some people would call it a full day. I watched the last few episodes of season 2 of the Wire, the latest show to catch my fancy (though not really enough). I cleaned myself up, cleaned the house up, did the laundry, sat down with the sunset and a new book (the Sound & the Fury), and re-made the beds. That should solve that.

My ass hurts. Yesterday was a good day. Today is a period of recovery. Yesterday i spent playing hockey and hanging out with my friends and my son. Although i ached at the end, soothing my pains with pills and a large bag of ice, it was a good ache. I tried talking myself out of it a few times, realizing that every single day this week that i didn't have the kids, i had hockey. Three days in one week is too much for me, especially after having not played in three months. The power of three once again. But i pushed myself, knowing it would be good, and came out the other side. Skye had never really seen me play in a real game, in a real rink, and i'm sure that was good for him too.

I may have played better than usual, but i fell a bit more (slippery surface, not like i'm used to), and so my ass hurts. Actually it's a bit to the left, around the side, closer to the hip. But whatever, i hobble. So when i got out of bed this morning, and made my coffee, and slumped down in front of the TV, there was no thought of making the bed. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a neat freak. My bed has gone unmade plenty of days in my life. Not lately though. I'm still trying to sell the house, though there hasn't been much luck yet and that shooting star i wished on hasn't panned out yet, so i cleanup every morning before leaving and make sure it's all presentable. None of that today though, i'm too sore. I noticed the bed while wandering around the room later and slowly realized what it was that depressed me about it.

Years ago i was sick. Very sick. I was seventeen and suddenly stricken by something that no one could understand. The first guesses were meningitis, mono, AIDS, and any other terribly debilitating thing they could think up. Eventually they settled on adult Still's disease, but then jumped to rheumatoid arthritis, and maybe even lupus. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about though, so eventually i quit paying them to guess. Let's just say: it's bad, seems to be brought on by stress, and will probably be back again. It has come calling at least 3 times in the last 13 years, so there's no reason to think it's gone forever. Just away on vacation.

The unmade bed was common back then. Sweaty sheets, aching muscles that could barely get me out (though i wanted nothing more than to get away from it), completely uninviting. It's not that i ever really forget that bed, but i hadn't seen it in awhile. So i stripped it, washed the sheets, folded back the layers, fluffed the pillows, knowing that i'll want it to be inviting later. I love the feel of clean sheets on a clean, nekkid body; the complete opposite of the unmade bed.

,

believe me

2006-08-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

I know this isn't my music blog, that it should probably be posted on that one, but... you know. I don't want to turn that one into a bitchfest again, back and forth with each breakup song getting more and more pointed.

That said, i keep listening to this song, over and over and over again...

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else's around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen to me

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

-- Believe Me, Fort Minor
[ listen ]

a new page of regressive behavior

2006-08-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

I have a stack of journals hidden away (from me) in a drawer of my desk. The last few weeks I've considered pulling them out and finding a good snippet to republish here. I guess it's just nostalgia. The older entries remind me of Amy's Diary, a true internet classic. I only looked through one of my old journals, and this page jumped out at me.

I'm going to skip this overused subject [lyrics to an old love song covering the top part of the page] and just say that since the last time I saw and talked to Jessica was a year ago at camp, I can only be optimistic about who shows up this year. Writing this is pointless considering I'll never forget somethings. Yesterday I lost Cinemax and HBO to a cable scrambler. It was a great loss, because now you can see or read what I have left to do. I should get a car, so I'd already be at Movies 10 instead of waiting for mom (is that capitalized) to get home so that I can leave to escape to the deep dark void of an empty theatre. If you'd like further commentary on the subject see the second song on the second side of the Hothouse Flowers' Home. I think it's called Movies or something.

I'm babbling now, but I don't feel like it and I just began a new page of regressive behavior. There's nothing on tv, and I can't wait until a couple days have passed and I can relax in the company of friends, trees, and hopefully two loves I haven't seen in a year. Could I choose? That would be like choosing my favorite movie, song, book, or pen. This used to be my playground? Madonna couldn't find my playground if she had the help of a shrink. You know journals reveal alot about people. I wonder what this will reveal ten years from now when i reread. I also wonder what dreams mean. The weirdest dreams come when you fall asleep facing a tv. I had a dream once like that where i was beating a girl up until I took a total change and began kissing her and eventually loved her. I've had ones in school with all age groups of people I know or knew or loved and lost. One day I'll fall into a great and terrible dream or wake up from this one. Pink Floyd goes through my mind like so many subliminal messages ingested by years of listening to music that I love (And I'm not the only one). Looks like I'll miss that movie unless monkeys fly out of my butt and carry me there. I shouldn't jump from subject to subject so abruptly without warning. Warning: writing can expand your mind until you try to comprehend doodles later. Because after all Noids can't have sex with Doodles: It's the oldest and only rule of Cool World. Look it up at your local video store to understand.

Joe Hobson '92

It's funny to me how the voice is so similar. It's me being honest, just for me. It was written on the leftover pages of a journal that i started for a class in eighth grade. By the time i wrote this entry though it was the summer before my junior year of high school, and i was simply writing for me. To pass the time, and to remember the times.

side note, just for fun... that signature next to the heart on the cover? that's Jess...

remember the sabbath

2006-08-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Sunday, the other Sabbath. I went to the church of PostSecret.

blink

2006-08-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

About a year ago i started reading Blink: the Power of Thinking without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell, and instantly loved it. I read about 75 pages into it, started talking about it to anyone that would listen, sharing my fascination like a kid who just learned to blow bubbles.

And then, for whatever reason, i set it down on my bedside table, and left it there. I kept meaning to go back, particularly because i was looking forward to the part that discussed what happens when our intuition is wrong. Or maybe i just thought i wanted to read that part. Instead, i went another nine months without touching it. In that time, my intuition was often wrong.

But along came a moment where i blinked, and suddenly knew... somehow just knew, without thinking. So i went back to reading the book.

The first example Blink gives to explain the phenomenon concerns a statue that the Getty was considering purchasing. It was a very rare kouros, a Greek statue of a nude male youth, dating to approximately 600 BC. Or so it seemed. They ran tests on the statue, researched its credentials, took core samples, found where the granite originated from, and everything seemed to check out. But when presented to experts, in that first split second when they saw the statue, each of them knew something was wrong with it. Some couldn't say exactly what, but just knew it wasn't authentic. Others focused on odd details like the fingernails, or the fresh look of the granite, or just had a bad feeling about it. In the end, of course, the experts were right.

We do it all the time, and don't even think about it. And that seems to be the key, not thinking about it. Letting your subconscious take over so the silly logic and intellect don't get in the way.

My favorite example in the book was a study conducted with students evalutating college professors. They videotaped some professors giving a portion of a lecture. At the end of a semester they had the professors' students evaluate their teaching style in several areas. Then they showed the video of the professors to some prospective students and asked them to evaluate the professors' style. The evaluations from prospective students that watched a video clip, and those that sat through an entire semester of classes with the professor matched up very closely. The most amazing part? They could show the prospective students clips as short as 5 - 10 seconds, and the evalutations still matched up. In that 5 seconds the students could infer how fun/boring/hard/easy/dry/engaging/etc the professor's lectures would be. That tiny snippet is all we really need.

And then i get to the part where it all goes wrong, which isn't exactly what i expected. There seem to be two main causes: heightened emotions and lack of experience. The first case is illustrated using the Amadaou Diallo shooting, while the second explores several scenarios where that split second decision was incorrect because the person wasn't an expert, didn't have proper training. In the end, that blink instance is referred to as rapid cognition, definitely the best way to describe it. I was reminded of working as a cameraman on movies in college. After awhile I got a feel for the actors and the space and their movements. Suddenly pulling focus, maintaining fluid pans, keeping the subject in the frame, all came with ease.

That's all well and good, but it's not what really interested me about this book. The thing that really captures my attention is that moment when first meeting someone, when you somehow know that it's just right. That blink, that click, that feeling like you've known each other forever, or want to forevermore. It's rare. It's beautiful. It's life at its finest. Of course that takes experience as well. You have to know yourself, know what sort of person you're looking for, and what you want. Not knowing, lack of experience, and the heat of the moment lead towards the same old mistaken intuition... it seemed so right at first, but easily fell apart.

So i'll pay attention, and i'll trust my rapid cognition, and i won't overthink it or let logic and reasoning get in the way, and life will be better for it.

,

Juniper Lake

2006-07-31T02:09:00.000-07:00

Lassen over Juniper Lake
Originally uploaded by jojoware.

I took the kids camping last week, and it was amazing. Just one more thing to remind myself that it's a beautiful world and i'm living la dolce vita. I hope we can make it back up there before it gets too cold, hopefully for two nights, with a canoe in tow.

HNT - before & after

2006-07-27T21:11:00.000-07:00

it just started to feel so.... generic

before

after

the FYI's

HNT = Half Nekkid Thursday
No, i won't be doing these weekly, though i'll try to work on self-portraits more often
Yes, this really fits more under the spirit of Self-Portrait Tuesday, but i was two days late
...and lastly, my favorite HNT blogger so far, a red-head of course: Visions of Crimson

friend over friend

2006-07-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

On Saturday night, without really realizing it, i chose one potential friend over another. I'm sitting here on a too-hot Sunday afternoon, reading Blink (which i'm sure i'll reference at least 5 more times over the next few weeks, demanding incessantly that everyone i know read it immediately) and it came to me. This is good, because the situation started to bother me just a bit. One of those flighty interactions with a cute woman, that may or may not have turned into something more, if the circumstances were just slightly different.

I was freed from my parental duties for the evening and chose to spend it with a good friend, and his friend. The friend-of-a-friend is someone i've gotten to know here and there over the last year or so, through some hockey, some drinking, and some ranting about shared miseries (which still love company). I'll call him the ex-caddie, since he is. We're still getting to know each other, but if we weren't guys this would be the stage where we're making out, but not sleeping with each other yet. Yuck, i can't believe i went there.

The good friend disappeared after awhile so the ex-caddie and I went out for dinner and drinks for the night. Just hanging out and talking is usually good enough for me for a Saturday night, and there's always plenty of people to watch in Chico, getting drunk and friendly and whatnot. We were just about done with the last bar we were at when i noticed a blonde, wandering close by us, by herself, making friendly eyes my direction. I watched a frat guy hit on her, then squat down and admire her feet or something, and then meander away as she displayed zero interest in him. That seemed like an easy way to strike up a conversation, so we laughed about it together, about whatever it is he was doing down there (her feet were cute, but not that cute). She seemed into me, something that i'm often oblivious to, but i'm learning. But i'm still standing with the ex-caddie, and am polite enough to involve him in the conversation. That didn't go very well. He tried to lay down some lines, get a little too friendly too fast, and she wasn't interested. She turns back towards me, playful touches here and there, dissing him a little, leaning in close to talk, looking for more feedback, and kind of moving me away from him. But i let her go, moved back over to the ex-caddie, and assented when he asked if it was time to head out of there.

I didn't get it then, or hours later when it kept coming back into my head. I'm still not sure when it specifically happened. There was definitely some quick subconscious decision made- that i could snub him and go off with her, or i could be the friend that we all want and need, and head back to his house for one more drink. I'm sure if i asked the ex-caddie about it, he'd say i was an idiot for not taking whatever chance i might have had with her.

And I'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If I'd only thought of something charming to say
-- the Sound of Settling, Death Cab for Cutie

Insert routine disclaimer: i'm not a player, not by any means, and i don't want to be. Maybe that goes without saying. I just don't want my audience to think i'm trolling the bars looking for loose women.

,

empire of light

2006-07-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

Magritte's Empire of Light (L’Empire des lumières) has been one of my favorite paintings for a long time, probably since catching that Magritte show at UCLA so many years ago. It's surrealism, but more aligned with the beauty and wit of the movement (like Man Ray), than the chaos and Dadaism of Breton and Dali. Fits in nicely with my own continuing theme of noticing the beautifully absurd life all around us.

So it's appropriate that last week while i was out and about, being a good consumerism at a local box store, i noticed a skyscape worth testing out my new camera on. Not worthy of the Guggenheim, but i like it just the same...

nesting

2006-07-18T00:31:00.000-07:00

I've never really been one to do a lot of nesting. That wasn't my role in my marriage. She picked out the house. She made it into a home. I found a way to make it all happen, to make sure we could do it, and get us through to the end.

But now i'm starting to notice some serious nesting impulses in myself. When I was in San Diego, i recognized it, and embraced it. I started out just dreaming of the sort of home i would like to have, then started picking out the perfect this or that to go in the home, and then just openly blabbed about it to whomever would listen. It started with the backyard, where i decided the home would be centered - a nice big pool, a hot tub to relax in, some deck beds to sneak a quick nap on, a fire pit to sit and chat around. There might even be a house in there somewhere as well, but it didn't really make it into the picture yet. Then i started picking out lighting (very important) and comfortable couches for the living area. It's so clear me that i can almost see the floorplan taking shape in my head.

And then i woke up, and had the stark realization that i didn't want to go back to Chico. San Diego is nice and i had a great time, but that wasn't what was making me want to stay... i discovered that i didn't want to go back because i didn't really have much of a home to go back to. I'm staying in the house in Magalia, but in a state of limbo, waiting for it to sell (not much movement there yet). The two weeks before going to San Diego I barely even went up to the house in Magalia, instead working late and sleeping on the futon at the office. I've done a pretty good job of making the space at the Magalia house work for me and the kids, but it's definitely not a home. I guess i didn't understand just how important it is to me to have a nice environment to come home to, for the kids to feel comfortable in, and to relax with friends and family.

The house in Chico that i moved out of, that my ex moved back into, is now trashed. When she moved back into it, about 10 weeks ago, she just scattered stuff hither and dither, rather than bothering to unpack. There's stuff everywhere and it's not getting any better. Her solution? Go buy a new house. It reminds me of a nature video i used to watch as a kid - the male bird gathering materials and working very hard to build a nice nest for his mate, but when he shows it to her, she's displeased and tears it to pieces. That one always made me laugh, in a sick way.

So she's trying to buy a new house, escaping the mess she's created in the old one. I'm sure i'll end up moving back there, spending weeks cleaning it up, turning it back into a home. Sadly, as much as i thought i wanted to live anywhere but there, i kinda miss it. I still don't want to live there very long, but i'm okay with taking my time in finding a new home. It's important that it fits and is warm, and comfortable, and has a place to unwind with friends. A hot tub would be nice too, of course.

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open invite?

2006-07-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

For awhile there i was doing a better job blogging. I averaged about 1 entry every 10 days, often times one or two a week. And then there was a certain incident where the fourth wall was suddenly torn down, and ever since then i've barely said mum (it is the word, you know). Oddly enough, this happened around the same time that other blogs out there got shuffled around to become more anonymous. I told myself i wouldn't do that, that i'd just keep on writing like before. Fuck 'em. But.... i suck at that. From the looks of it, i've turned more vague and post less often. I've been pretty busy all and all, but come on let's be serious: 6 or 7 posts in 16 weeks, and only one or two of them of any real substance. That's pathetic. What you don't know (or do know, if you also do this sort of thing) is how many entries go untyped and unpublished. I have a hard time even remembering what they were going to be. Unborn children never given a name.

That said (phewww... getting me depressed here), let's say there's a character or two out there that haven't yet been written about, and don't even really know that they're part of the show. Given my past experiences and knowing myself like i do, should i let them in on the story before they've even had a chance to become a part of it? I'm torn. This blog encapsulates so much of what i've gone through in the last year and a half that it's become the easiest way to really share my current self with someone, scars and flaws and all. Ms Q claimed she knew more about me from blog than from talking to me in person (yes, that's past tense - another entry never written down). In some ways it feels like a cop-out to just send someone to the blog, but it also feels like i'm hiding something if i don't invite them to take a look.

Whatever... there's no right or wrong answer to this one. We'll see how it goes. What a week it has been. As for those untyped/unposted entries... i bet there are 4 or 5 mulling around in my head right now. Maybe i'll let a few out of their cages.

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savor

2006-07-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

Although i'm sure it's nothing new, last week i noticed how much i like to savor. It was a simple, beautiful situation moving at a nice leisurely pace, and i willfully decided to slow it down even more. Stopping to admire the flowers, if you will. Take a look around, and i notice plenty of other places where i do the same....

good writing : i don't read enough, but every once in awhile i'll fall in love with a good book (or blog or whatever ;-), and then deliberately take my time reading it. I think most people find themselves in that situation and spend hours and hours until they finish. Personally, that always seems sad to me because once it's done, it's done. I think Kerouac's On the Road was first book that i ever noticed myself doing this with. After a summer traveling across the country to California, i found myself a freshman in college, working the swing shift in a quiet server room. You can breeze through Kerouac, but i kept myself to one or two chapters at a time just to make it last. When i was done with it I read Dharma Bums, but it just wasn't the same. Like when you wake up from a dream that you're really enjoying, then try to go back to sleep and force yourself to continue the same dream. Just doesn't work that way.
candy : my first job out of college was doing graphic design/layout work for a local used car newspaper, Wheels & Deals. I worked as an intern during the day at one job, and then did a swing shift 3 or 4 nights a week tweaking starburst ads and pictures of cars. It was drudgery and definitely not what i expected to be doing after graduating from USC, but the people i worked with were okay and we made the best of it. To help pass the time i'd usually get a bag of Skittles or M&Ms or Reese's on my break. Then as we passed midnight and headed towards 2am, i would line up the candies, grouped by color, and pick them off in order. If i start with too many of one color,then i have to eat those until everything is even. And then of course do each color in order, saving the favorite one (usually red) for last. I still do it, usually not even consciously. If you stand behind me, it looks obsessive compulsive, and there's probably a little bit of that in it. For me though it's just a way to stretch it out, pass the time, and savor each individual flavor. Besides, no one wants to be stuck with all brown M&Ms in the end.
new friends : there's a point in a relationship where you realize you're done knowing someone because you've heard all of their stories and they aren't planning on making any new ones anytime soon. It's a little sad. Antithetically, there's a wonderful point at the beginning of a relationship where you're just starting to hear all of those stories, and to share your own. I love that point. Not just because it's all new and exciting, but because you go through your day thinking of that person and their stories in your head, and looking forward to getting to know them a bit more, each and every time.
music : There are pop songs that i'll listen to over and over again, mindlessly, like chugging down a Big Gulp on a hot Saturday afternoon. And then there are those songs that i listen to and hear repeated in my head later (but not in a bad way), and then listen again for parts that i missed. Like sipping a cup of tea, and i set it down and wait a bit to let it settle before picking it up again. Looking through my last.fm tracks, i can see a few of them in there (Say Yes, Such Great Heights) and suddenly i want to go find them and listen again.
coffee/tea : speaking of the sip... i noticed how much coffee was about the process for me, when i quit caffeine, but kept drinking crappy decaf coffee. It wasn't about the buzz, or the flavor (usually not very good). It was the time spent preparing the cup, stirring, savoring that little step out of reality for a minute.
women : i'm completely smitten with women. all women. some might consider it an affliction, but i revel in it, even when it drives me to distraction. I guess i find women to be similar to movies: every movie, even the worst no-budget crap, has at least one thing that makes it worth watching. Sometimes it's a single scene, or a line, or a joke, or one perfect camera angle. It's enough for me to go through the whole movie, looking for that one thing. Women are better. Even the ones that are not so good (for you), still have something worth sticking around for, and savoring. And then I meet one that just ruins me for awhile. I go under that spell and find it so hard to pull away. And if you don't know me well enough by now, it's not (all) about the sex. As one lover remarked to me, "a guy that's just looking for sex doesn't admire the woman while she sleeps." how true.

sit, stay, heal

2006-07-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

sit, stay, heal
Originally uploaded by jojoware.

Finally made it through all of the "miles to go" before i finally got to sleep. (Most of) the work is done. The playing portion of the trip was excellent, far better than expected. Now i need to recover (from both work and play) and figure out the rest of my summer, before it's over.

I'll post more later, but this is all i have to give for now.

stir up strife

2006-06-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

A piece of spam made its way through my filters this morning. Rather than be pissed, i was quite amused. It's for a new online casino, but includes text at the top, probably randomized, added just to get through spam filters (seems to work pretty well)...

Stir With a Knife, Stir Up Strife
How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity?
And the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge?

Had to look it up, because i'm curious like that. It's from Proverbs 1:22. How long have spammers been using Bible verses? Is this some sort of penance to balance out the greed and gambling sins? Maybe they should have used a verse earlier in the chapter, seems more appropriate....

For in vain is the net spread in the sight of any bird:
but these lay wait for their own blood.
They lurk secretly for their own lives.
So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain.
It takes away the life of its owners.

rocket

2006-06-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening, driving up the hill to Magalia, burrito in tow, but sans kiddos, i decided to stop and eat my dinner in the park in Paradise. Dusk was nice and cool, and i thought it would be a nice change of pace given my workaholic tendencies lately. It was well worth it - not because i got to relax after a long day, or because the food was any tastier than usual. It was worth it because Paradise is just one of those absurd little places that keeps the world interesting.

Also enjoying an evening in the park, were a couple of kids with pet duck. They brought him to the park to splash in the pond and (i'm guessing here) socialize with the other water fowl. Seriously. Not that this duck was interested in the other ducks or the geese. He splashed around for a bit, then went for a walk in the grass. Eventually the kids and their mother shooed him back to the water's edge and put him in a pet carrier, the same kind you would use for a mid-size dog. He seemed fairly content in the carrier but i think he'd rather be walking barefoot in the park. Then again, wouldn't we all?

On the way out of the park, not completely sure about any of it, i asked what the duck's name was: Rocket. The woman said she didn't think Rocket knew he was a duck, that he acts more like he thinks he's a person. Then she asked if i wanted him, but i learned a long time ago not to take pets that people try to pawn off on others.

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moving on up

2006-06-04T00:50:00.000-07:00

The last post title seems to have been all too appropriate, considering i haven't written anything in close to three weeks. It's been a busy time though. There's plenty i could report on, but what fun would that be, this isn't a news report. So i'll just focus on one piece of my puzzle and leave the other gaps to be filled in later.

May 1st I moved back to Magalia, to a house i hadn't seen much in the last 2 1/2 years. Historically it goes like this... in November of 2001, just after my daughter was born, we were living in our first house, up in the mountains on 2 acres surrounded by fruit trees and peace & quiet. But the house was chilly and falling apart, winter was coming, and there were a few ghosts hanging around that bothered me too much. So when J got the bug to move this time (happened often), i let her run with it. We ended up finding a nice, big house, on a quiet cul-de-sac, in a real neighborhood. It was still Magalia, but not as remote, and not as much snow, and the modern amenities were nice. The house cost more than twice what we paid for our first one, but i was making a better paycheck so that didn't matter. We ended up keeping the mountain house as a rental, which really helped us in the long run. Fast-foward about 18 months and the moving bug came back. This time we wanted to move into town, Chico, the big city. The drive from Magalia to Chico is about 40 minutes, but can be painfully frustrating as you skoot thru Paradise, a retirement community where the speed limit averages around 28mph. Since we spent so much time in Chico, it only made sense to actually live there. There were other factors as well, but the clarity only comes with retrospect. That could be a whole other post, but not this one.

With the sale of the mountain house rental, we made enough money to buy a nice, middle-class, suburban dream of a home in Chico. Nice and centrally located, on a quiet cul-de-sac. The Magalia house we moved out of was then converted to a rental, and a nice family of five moved in to take our place. They were the best renters i've ever seen. Gave me checks far in advance, fixed problems and sent me receipts, and kept the place in pretty good shape. I think only had to visit the house 4 or 5 times in the 2 1/2 years they rented from me. They wanted to buy the house too, but didn't have the money and credit they needed to make it happen.

The problem comes in here - capital gains. We didn't live in the Magalia house for two years, so if we sell it right now, we have to pay tax on the profits. I just don't like the idea of giving the feds an extra $25,000 next year so they can buy more bombs. Truthfully, it was stupid for us to move out before we made it to two years. We were only 3 1/2 months shy. There were many reasons why we moved, but part of it was running away. I get it, but i still regret it. In order to avoid capital gains tax, i decided to just move back to the house for the summer. The condo J was living in went up for sale and the owners decided that it would be easier to sell if she moved out. She decided that she wanted to move back into the house in Chico, whether or not i lived there. Sounded like a good way to give the kids some stability, and give J a nice place to live with a (relatively) low monthly payment. She claimed that she woud be willing to move back to Magalia, but it seemed like a pretty hollow offer. Since i'm the one that usually makes the personal sacrifice, i took on that role again and did what i needed to do.

It has sucked. I should have written more the first week or so when i was still getting used to it. Those first few days were odd. Just being in the house was strange because we used to live here, oh-so-long ago. But since we lived here briefly and so much has happened sine then, the memories are slightly hazy. Walking down the hall, it's like deja vu, or like i dreamed about a place like this once and now i'm suddenly finding myself there. Then there's the fact that it's so quiet and dark at night that it feels like camping. Chico isn't exactly the big city, but in comparison it definitely feels like it. The house is a two-story, with the majority of the living space on the top floor. Downstairs there's a large room, over 800 square feet, that makes a great granny flat, or even a studio rental. There isn't a kitchen, but there's plenty of room and it has it's own entrance and full bathroom. Since i want to get the upstairs ready to sell, with new paint and carpet, i decided to just live downstairs in the big room. The kids love it, everything and everyone suddenly squeezed into one space, their bunk beds in one corner and my bed in another. Believe it or not, it works out quite well.

The hassle of fixing up the house is kind of getting to me, but i think it's going well. The interior has been freshly painted throughout upstairs and the carpet is on its way. The exterior needs some minor wood repair and then the painters will go to work on it. It looks like it will probably be on the market in the next 2 weeks or so. I'm not sure how easy it will be to sell since the real estate market here has flattened out over the last 9 months or so. First the interest rates started sneaking up, and then everyone in mass decided they wanted to sell before it all fell apart. There are 50 or so houses similar to this one already for sale in the area. Chico has over 500 houses on the market (really high considering it's a town of only 77,000). A great time to buy, but not a great time to sell. I have to stay until August 15th anyway, so i'm not too worried about it... but i am.

I don't like it here. It's not a bad place to live, but i just don't like it. The drive to and from Chico is insane, especially when taking the kids to school in the morning. I've been spoiled by living so close to everything for so long. Now i end up forgetting something at home, and can't bear to go all the way back up the hill to get it. There's just no reason for me to be here, and it's not home to me, so i do my best to avoid it as much as possible. Being sick for a week was torture because then i was forced to stay. On nights that i don't have the kids i end up sleeping on the futon at the office, or crashing on a friend's couch, or whatever.

And then the kicker - J decided she doesn't want the Chico house anymore. After she moved in, it all went to hell. The place is a wreck, stuff everywhere, dirty and disordered, and chaotic. I know life's been tough for her lately so i'll try not to judge, but it's heartbreaking. And then when i found out that she was off looking at other houses, it was the most frustration i've felt towards her in quite awhile. I understand her reasonings, especially since i don't necessarily want to live there either, but it was still frustrating.

When i look into the crystal ball, i see the Magalia house selling with a decent profit, at which point J takes the money and buys a new place. Since the Chico house really isn't in any condition to sell at this point, and the market there will be dead at the end of the summer, i'll probably end up moving back and getting it ready to sell in the spring. It's all crazy, but eventually i see it working.

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speechless

2006-05-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

Last week i picked up a sore throat that has turned into the worst one i've ever had. The strangest part is that it just snuck up on me. There was no preceding sinus problem, or drainage, or even a cold. Started in my throat, grabbed hold, squeezed tight, and won't let go. I've been miserable for four or five days now, partially from the pain of swallowing, but mostly just because i get bored from sitting around trying to rest and recover. I'm really a terrible patient, mostly because i'm so impatient. Can't this thing just go away so i can get on with my life?

But, there's a silver lining - i can't talk much. Most people wouldn't see this as a positive, myself included sometimes, but it's actually been okay. I have since decided that if i were able to choose which functions i had to lose, speech would be pretty high on my list. Not that i really want to be mute, but when compared to sight, or hearing, or walking, or whatever... i'd definitely give up speech first. Facial expressions and gestures seem to be good enough for most people and most situations. Plus i've noticed then when i talk less, other people talk less - and you know how long you've been waiting for those people to just shut up! When i do talk now, it's in a whisper, which has the odd effect of turning everyone else into whispers. Try it sometime, people will follow along without even realizing it. Suddenly there's a whole different mood in the air, and no one knows for sure why.

Okay, so it's not all roses in mute-land. I haven't really been able to make any phone calls for the last few days because my facial expressions, gestures, and whispers are completely lost on whoever is on the other end of the line. And i had to cancel a counseling appointment because there was no way i could scratch my throat for a whole hour. Yelling at the kids can be tough too, though the finger snap i perfected to get my dog's attention seems to be universal. And of course after sitting at home all day by myself trying to get better, when i finally do see someone, i really want to just talk and talk and let it all out... which really hurts my throat. All in all, it's not such a bad thing being speechless. Now if only i could be so resigned with being work-less.

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quote of the day

2006-04-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

today's quote brought to you from Regina Lynn from one of her articles over at Wired.com

"Diaries," for you young folks, are what old people wrote before the advent of blogging tools, and no one was supposed to read them until after the author died. Right, Luddite?

She's an excellent writer. Checkout last week's article for a spot-on description of how masturbation fits into life, that made me think "i resemble that..."

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all the small things

2006-04-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

over the last few busy busy weeks i've had quite a few ideas for blog post that just kinda sit in my head and don't go anywhere beyond daydreams. and since i still don't really have the time to write any of them up in full, i thought i might collect a few of them here, as random snippets...

rebirth
i took this pict of one of my rose bushes. every year i trim then back to almost nothing. It was really hard last year because i didn't really know what i was doing, and i was afraid i'd just kill them. But sure enough, you cut off everything, leaving just the last little buds of growth, just before Spring arrives. And they grow back fresh and new and better than ever.

interviewer: "You like to use metaphors, don't you?"
Adam Corolla: "Is that like a simile?"

the grey hair
two days before my thirtieth birthday, i noticed a scraggly grey hair right there in front. rather than pluck it out like i usually do, this time i decided to just let it lie. it stuck around for a few days, and i lived thru the end of my 29th year with no major problems. i gained a new appreciation for my new decade in two separate instances - a waiter carded me, and then responded with "oh, wow" after seeing my license (as in "dude, my bad, but you don't look thirty"); and then someone else told me that now that i was thirty, i could be taken seriously. As if until then i was just a kid, and wouldn't be worth anyone taking seriously until 30. The younger person's perspective is just the opposite, of course.

gadgets
i bought a Video iPod and a PlayStation Portable last week. Both are amazing, sleek pieces of modern day gadgety-geek consumerism. I love 'em, but they're for work. No, really! i'm working on building a portable video site as a fun side-project, and these were just the tools to get me started. I'll let you know when you guys can beta-test the new creation.

taxes
speaking of business expenses... hehe. well, doing my taxes just about killed me at the end, and i'm pretty sure TurboTax got confused and filed an extension for me rather than actually finishing... but hey, they're done. next year will probably be worse, but at least now i know what i'm doing.

older women
I could probably write a few pages about my new found love for older women and why they're so superior to their cute & silly younger couterparts. But that would probably lead to me being too honest, pissing off some people and embarassing others (myself included). Youth will always rule in our society, but i'll still prefer Julianne Moore to Jessica Simpson, any day. (FYI - she's 46, and that picture is from 2 months ago)

new quotes...
"i've only had four days off in the last year... including weekends." -friend that works for Apple
"yeah, i've only had four days off.... this week." -my response

"i don't drink vodka much, 'cuz it smells like my dad." -me

"She left me roses by the stairs Surprises let me know she cares."
-- my little girl's favorite lines from the song All the Small Things

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without question

2006-04-16T01:06:00.000-07:00

I just spent another late night continuing the myths of childhood. This time it was Easter, but i've found they all follow the same basic gameplan - kids spend a few days fantasizing about what that special holiday deity will bring them; parents worry that they've bought too much stuff, or too little; the night before, the kids go to bed too late, the parents stumble around bleery-eyed trying to make it look like something special happened while everyone was sleeping; the next morning the kids wake up (too early) and are overjoyed as they tear through the house looking at all the neat stuff. After a cup of coffee, we can enjoy a bit of it as well. I like the tradition and routine of it, that's the best thing about it.

I guess the part that itches away at me is that my son holds onto the myth, keeps on believing, despite the fact that he questions every other teeny-tiny thing life throws at him. For whatever reason, holiday spirits are not to be scrutinized. Anything else, and he debates it to death... we pass by an apartment building located next to a harbor, called the Harbor Bell... "I don't see a bell. Where's the bell?" If i say something like "Nothing's impossible," he always has to counter with something... "Breathing without oxygen is..." I realize it's just a phase in his development, but it's driving me nuts. He's too much like me, so go figure. With the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus though, he's still a true believer and doesn't dare to question, for fear they would disappear.

Reminds me of religion.

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truth be told

2006-03-27T01:07:00.000-08:00

Last week the inevitable happened - one of the many characters in the virtual screenplay that is Your Life is Calling, happened upon the script. For awhile i feared this eventuality, mostly because i thought my estranged would be the one to make the discovery. I even covered my tracks for awhile so she wouldn't follow me back to my secret world. Then i gave up those measures and realized that what i really wanted was for her to want to find it, to read it, to know me a bit better. Sounds odd to say it that way, since she knows me far better than anyone else, or at least has at some points. Anyway, she never has found this, and i get to go on dealing with the fact that she doesn't really care enough to look for it, for me. Or so it seems.

So the character jumped down off the stage and decided to join the audience. I wish that analogy would work, but it just doesn't. Maybe it's more like we're rehearsing this play that i wrote, when suddenly one of the actors breaks out of character and decides to argue with me about the thoughts and feelings of her character. "She wouldn't say that... do i have to say that? And that's not the way he would react to me..." But this isn't her story, this one's mine. I felt it, i wrote it. Not right or wrong, it just is what it is.

From there it spreads. I had to share the story with Ms. Q, knowing that she would probably go looking for my script lying around as well, if just to see how her character is turning out. She looked and found, but her reaction wasn't the same - "How can she argue about what you feel?" My thoughts exactly.

Now that they know, the mythical fourth wall is broken. What to do? I could abandon this locale and find a more anonymous place to hang out. I could be more vague about the details in my life and go back to focusing on the generic absurdities of the world. I could add them to the list of known audience members of which i have my own thoughts and stories that go untold. Or i could just pretend i don't care, say what i want, to hell with other people's feelings. Maybe i'll go for all of the above (except for the whole running and hiding thing, that's just not me).

PS - don't bother asking who the character is because i never gave her a pseudonym on here. If you really need a clue, she's the one i wrote a breakup letter to, and meant it. If you want to go on a hunt in search of a better treasure, go to the website mentioned in that post and see if you can find the breakup letter that i didn't mean. It's out there, anonymously.

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comments fixed

2006-03-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

i finally got around to fixing the comments link. Sorry, partially my fault, but mostly Billy Gates and his clan were to blame. Should work okay now, but if not... ummm, post a comment about it ;-)

foursome

2006-03-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

Most memes seem silly to me, probably because they were written by junior high kids (eg. "What's the latest you've ever stayed up?!?"). MIO and some of the rest of her clan posted this one and it actually gave some brief insight into their personalities. So i'll jump right in, as long as i don't have to list four songs i know the words to (admitting to Sweet Child o' Mine would be the tip of an iceberg).

Four jobs I’ve had:

video store clerk
production coordinator for a national Magazine
first assistant camera
super-dad

Four movies I can watch over and over:

Four places I’ve lived:

Four places I’ve been on vacation:

Four web-sites I visit daily:

Four of my favorite foods:

grapes
tilapia
veggie gourmet pizza (it's the artichokes)
pot stickers

Four places I’d rather be:

the beach
in bed, listening to the rain
fourth row at a great concert
out looking for her, whoever she may be

Four bloggers I'm tagging:

Mel
most of my other friends have already done this. i was late to the party.

my funny valentine

2006-02-25T11:47:00.000-08:00

if you've been reading this blog for long or read what i've written here (say, over the last... year), you know i have a thing for anniversaries. Things pass in time and remind me of other occurrences. Time passes, and i look up and take notice. Like little marker points. I find i do the same thing throughout the day, putting up little goals and markers to try and interject a little schedule and predictability into my life. Life can have a very stream-of-consciousness feel to it (like my writing... i know, thanks Kerouac), so i do what i can to make sense of it.

That said, this year's Valentine's Day was no exception. I've had good Val days over the years, mediocre ones, and truly awful ones. I wanted this year's to just go by without incident. I take heed of the wisdom of Dori, that you don't want nothing to happen to someone, well... because then nothing will happen to them --- but this year, i was really looking forward to nothing.

Four days before Val day, my estranged tried to feel me out...

her: you got a hot date lined up for Valentine's Day

me: Oh, you mean national Single Awareness Day? No, i'll probably just wear my same sick shirt as last year (my official Valentine's uniform) and do as little as possible.

I didn't really realize until after the brief conversation ended that this was her first attempt to try and get a date. I only cared for a brief split second, and then went back to worrying about my own (real) date later that night. It wasn't supposed to be a real date, just a couple of friends having dinner and catching up. But it turned into the best, most natural, date i've had in many years.

But back to last year... I was in my vague mode last year when i was blogging about all of this stuff. Definitely not the same voice that i've grown into now. So much was left out, and all you really got out of it was that i was going through a hard time. At the time, it was the worst. My estranged had left, and i was still longing. I wanted so badly to do something on Val day to make it like old times, or to rekindle, or whatever. And then 2 days before the big V, she cut my heart out and handed it to me. The conversation went something like this....

me: i was just thinking, that if either of us starts dating anyone, we should probably let the other one know first.

her: what if i just randomly pick up a guy and fuck him?

me: ummm.... did you?

her: yeah

I've heard that conversation in my head many times, but it's still difficult to say out loud. It was awful, though not the lowest point of the last year, amazingly enough. By Val day i was still bleeding, but felt that my original intentions were still the same. So i bought a card and some tulips and snuck them into her parked car while she was off at class. A few hours later i got a call at work from her, asking in a half-serious/half-laughing tone... "What the fuck are you doing?" And i still don't know.

Back to this year. Three days before the big V, i woke up at someone else's house, and enjoyed the sunny drive home immensely. No, it wasn't sex, it was better... and yes, i am crazy. The next day, my estranged decided to push a little further to see if we should do anything on Val day. She didn't want to say that she wanted to do anything, just checking to see if i did... ya, the usual. Maybe as a family thing, just a simple dinner out, whatever, no big deal. I didn't know what to say, so i shrugged it off. It kept rolling around in my head until i finally emailed her to tell her that i didn't think it was a good idea, that i didn't want to fake it, and it wasn't exactly a family-type holiday. Her response... "Don't trip out, i was checking to see.." And I'm the one tripping out?

On the big V day, i felt an urge to do the unexpected, on many levels all at the same time. Oroville is a small, crappy town, about 25 miles southeast of Chico, and it's our county seat, where all the usual county services are located -- courthouse, jail, etc. I use to work over there, and still go back to freelance and have lunch with friends. For weeks i had been meaning to go over to the courthouse to pickup the packet of divorce paperwork. I felt it was a necessary step that i needed to take, even if all i did was read through it. But i had been avoiding it. Val day felt like the worst time to do it, but it all suddenly made sense. And Oroville is also where Ms Q lives, my unexpectedly good date from the Friday before. Let's not be rash, i wasn't going to profess my undying love to her or anything. I just wanted to do something nice so the she would know someone was thinking of her. And then my mind suddenly madeup myriad other excuses why i needed to be in Oroville that day, and everything fell into place. On the drive over, a beautiful morning with plenty on my mind, i put my Treo music on random and the following songs spilled out....

and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
cause I can tell that we're going to be friends
We're Going to Be Friends, by the White Stripes

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
A Change is Gonna Come, by Sam Cooke

So pack up your bleeding heart
And put away your posies
I don't want to have a drink
Or play ring around the rosie with you
11:11, by Rufus Wainwright

So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades, by Brand New

You'll say you'll undersand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe, you don't know who i am
Never is a Promise, by Fiona Apple

You know that it fades away
We all have a way
To be replaced
Replaced, by Corrina Repp

We won't have to fight for long. This is the end.
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear.
Play Crack Sky, by Brand New

But it's too late... It's too late
No, don't you know
it's been too late
for a long time
Too Late, by Ben Folds

...yep, those songs, in that order. Ouch. Did i mention that on the same day 11 years prior, i made the first (of many) moves, and sent flowers and a cute stuffed bear to the woman that eventually became my wife, and (much later) my estranged? Or that 10 years earlier we took a ride in a horse drawn carriage, and i near the end i finally got up the nerve to pull that little ring out of my pocket? It's quite the anniversary, indeed.

The abrupt ending of my longwinded story... i got the papers (surreal and depressing), had lunch with friends (misery loves company), met with a geek to discuss technicalities (damn bureaucracy), got a paycheck that was six weeks late (a day before my mortgages were), and left a rose on Ms Q's doorstep (made her day, as well as mine). All in all, it could have been awful, but turned into a pretty good day. Later that night i had two dates, both extremely cute, and they gave me hearts and kisses (lovely kids ;-). Maybe Val day should be considered a family holiday afterall.

together together

2006-02-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

a father-daughter chat, early Saturday morning. we were still hiding under the covers, though she was more awake and wanted to get out of bed.

why doesnt mommy live with us anymore?

sometimes people are just happier when they dont live together

to which she replies, in song...

the more we get together, together, together
the more we get together, the happier we'll be...

over and over and over again, until i finally got out of bed to make coffee.

,

fuzzy face

2006-02-08T00:13:00.000-08:00

fuzzy face
Originally uploaded by joehobson.

okay, finally got ahold of a decent digital camera to take a pict of the new fuzzy face joe. I started out letting it all grow but ended up shaving the sides off because it just looked like a trailer park had been hit by a tornado (lots of empty patches). It's actually much lighter than i expected, which might just keep it around for awhile. some say it makes me look a little less like such a nice guy, and maybe that's not a bad thing.

quotable

2006-02-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
-- Helen Rowland

Some things are best left un-Googled.
-- Greg Robicheaux, via Esquire

Discretion is not the better part of biography.

-- Lytton Strachey

If my mouth were a penis, I'd be a whore.
-- B

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown

Because we [women] don't have a prostate gland, that's why. If you don't know the question or understand the answer, look it up.
-- Paget Brewster

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
-- Bill Vaughan

People who claim that they're still trying to find themselves, have. They just don't like what they see.
-- Jonathon Ferris, via Esquire

Religion is in many ways like a good pair of shoes. It gives support, a little bit of a lift in your days, and it separates us from the other animals. But personally, i prefer to go barefoot.
-- Gordon Hatherly, via Esquire

,

good capitalist = good Republican?

2006-02-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

drivers wanted

2006-02-01T09:29:00.000-08:00

After much hemming and hawwing and wondering and consternation, i finally bought a car last week: a 2000 VW Jetta. Nice little car, low miles, at a great price.
Couldn't be happier with it.

I still think a Jeep would have been fun, but after driving around in my friend's Ford Escape for a few months while i tried to sell it for him, i realized that i liked the feel and handling of a car much more than an SUV. I'm much more likely to want to drive fast on a curvy road than to go offroad in the mountains. Just my style i guess. This was even more clear to me this weekend when i took the Jetta on a Sunday afternoon jaunt up the Feather River canyon to have lunch with a friend. Stormy skies, beautiful waterfalls, and plenty of fun, windy roads.

Yep, now i understand why their ad campaign is Drivers Wanted, it fits nicely.

,

this absurd life

2006-01-27T15:12:00.000-08:00

	saw this on the wall of a bank downtown

Overheard in Roseville, CA: 50-year-old, bald, white, businessman in a nice suit asks his lunch companion.... What's your* favorite Tesla song?*

	those bumps in the road could be watching you.... so run 'em over.

snakes on a plane?

the desert is the sand

2006-01-22T13:02:00.000-08:00

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
epilogue: I won't delete the audio post, though i'd like to. Instead i'll add the lyrics to one of the songs that really got me thinking...

"I Believe In Symmetry"
-- Bright Eyes

Some plans were made and rice was thrown
A house was built, a baby born
How time can move both fast and slow
Amazes me
And so I raise my glass to symmetry
To the second hand and its accuracy
To the actual size of everything
The desert is the sand
You can't hold it in your hand
It won't bow to your demands
There's no difference you can make
There's no difference you can make
And if it seems like an accident
A collage of senselessness
You aren't looking hard enough
I wasn't looking hard enough at it

An argument for consciousness
The instinct of the blind insect
Who makes love to the flower bed
And dies in the first freeze
Oh I want to learn such simple things
No politics, no history
Till what I want and what I need
Can finally be the same

I just got myself to blame
Is everything up to fate
When there's choices I could make
When there's choices I could make
Yeah, my heart needs a polygraph
Always so eager to pack my bags
When I really wanna stay
When I really wanna stay

flooded Sycamore Pool

2006-01-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

flooded Sycamore Pool
Originally uploaded by joehobson.

There was a break in the rain clouds last Saturday so i took the kids to Bidwell Park for some New Years Eve bike riding. At first we thought the day would be ruined by all the flooding, but it turned out to be perfect. So many water drenched areas to explore and huge puddles to ride their bikes through. The Sycamore Pool was almost unrecognizable, sidewalk completely submerged all the way around.

winter splash thru the puddles

personal growth

2006-01-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

I quit shaving a few days ago, without even noticing. One day is fine (i think we usually call those weekends). Two days is acceptable, though mildly uncomfortable (camping anyone?). Three days is completely unheard of for me. So after the second day, and some time contemplating when i last went more than 2 days without shaving, i decided to just give it a try for awhile. I've never had any facial hair, it's just not my thing. I'm really not a hairy person so that period between scraggly and beard has always been too long to transcend. Not that i can't do it, i just don't want to put up with anyone questioning it- asking whether i'm trying or if i'm just plain lazy.

And i'm not even sure how it will go. My face doesn't seemed to have hair follicles in all the proper places. I could do some really good mutton chops, or a nice fu-manchu mustache, but there's this blank space between the two where hair doesn't seem to grow as much. I think my hair is stuck in seventies. It's not just the mutton chops; i could do a really nice porn star afro when necessary.

Don't get me wrong, i don't like facial hair. It seems like it's all cons and no pros. Scratchy face, more trimming and manicuring, and scratchy face. Who wants to rub up against that? I know my little girl doesn't, and that counts for alot in my book. Maybe if i was a mountain man living up in the snowy wilderness and it would keep me warm. Ya, maybe then it would be a useful.

But this time i'm gonna pitch the logic out the window and let the scruff get the better of me for awhile, if only to see what i look like. Personally, i have no idea. My best guess is looking at a picture of my mountain-man brother with his full Grizzly Adams beard (at left). I don't think i'll let it get that big and fluffy, but i sure hope it's got the same life and color in it. Or maybe that's just his pleased with life smile. :-)

,

overheard @ a xmas party

2005-12-20T14:32:00.000-08:00

this year's Xmas party was like no other before it, but hopefully next year's will be just as much fun. Quotes from the evening...

"i ain't tellin', i'm like a vault."

"i'm not the whore, i'm the bitch. Des is the whore, because she's single."

"silence is golden, but duct tape is silver"

"Are you Irish? Cuz Irish make good toasts..."

"If you were born with tons of body hair, most of it needs to stay."

closure

2005-12-16T00:09:00.000-08:00

i finally dug through my old emails and found the one i was looking for, the letter worthy of e-closure, the breakup letter blog. But it was so much harder to put together than i thought it would be. I had envisioned just finding it and hitting the handy "forward" button, but it required much more to fill in the whole story. And oh what a joyous story it was indeed

when i got my computer in April, i decided to compile all of my email messages from the last 10+ years into one massive library of messages. Sounded like a good idea at the time since they had spread out over multiple computers and CDs over the years. Now i'm not so sure. Mac OS X's Spotlight search utility is so good that when i'm looking for something on my computer it searches through all of the text from my old emails as well. That would be fine if they were funny, cute, and/or poignant. Oh no, i tend to get the really painful ones that have little or nothing to do with what i'm searching for. For instance, i was looking for old letter of recommendation i wrote someone, but instead turned up a blistering email that my estranged wrote to me back in the good ol' days of domestic bliss. I made a mistake on a job app and got completely reamed for it. Good times indeed.

That said, i'm not going to tell you which breakup letter is mine. Keep your eye on e-closure and maybe you'll spot it when/if it gets posted. And while your at it, dig up one of your own letters. Painful, but it will do you good.

,

Kansas City

2005-12-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

KC Plaza
Originally uploaded by jojoware.

I'm in Kansas City this week for a conference. Actually, mostly just looking for fun rather than work. Haven't found much of either, yet. I think both are stuck under the snow. The temp this morning was 8 degrees. Not too bad really.

Go checkout the picts on Flickr. Maybe i'll get a chance post more tomorrow.

overworked & underplayed

2005-12-02T00:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't written much lately, nothing thoughtful or creative anyway. Just code, which is almost all logic, with just a smidgen of thought and emotion. Seems silly, but it's a little depressing. I think i've been hiding in it. My counselor says my scab's been picked off, and she's right, again. dammit. I was doing so well. Maybe it's that anniversary complex. Several. Maybe it's many things rolled into one. Maybe it's better to take a little time off from the hustle and the bustle.

So that's where i've been. That's where i go when i'm hiding. Just sitting here on the couch, all alone in the open, wishing someone was upstairs warming the bed up for me. I need some sleep, but haven't been doing that much lately either. No rest for the wicked. Okay, i'll quit being stubborn and just give in, and get some sleep. g'night.

,

overheard

2005-11-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

Perceptive woman: Anytime you overhear people, if you only hear a second of what they say, it's always completely stupid.

--overheard by Todd Seavy, Greenwich Village

Overheard in New York is my new favorite funny blog, which i guess makes sense because i've had an unhealthy addiction to eavesdropping for years.

If you take a step back, Overheard in NY fits in nicely with a wider movement towards a focus on everyday people living their everyday lives. It feels similar to Found, e-closure, the Found Footage Festival, and maybe just blogs in general. I know the whole Web 2.0 thing is focusing on social networking and user-created content, but maybe their missing the point. Maybe the real trend to pay attention to is giving us new ways to share stuff that's always been there, but needs a wider audience. I guess they're kinda the same, with a slightly different focus.

,

distractionary

2005-11-14T15:53:00.000-08:00

lately i've found ways to distract myself from real life. Most of the day i turn to the tedium of work, but since that's even boring to me i'll save you the details. my evenings, after the kids go to bed, are filled with various TV shows. latest selections follow....

Lost
This show is what made me start using BitTorrent. I'd heard good things about Lost but missed the first few episodes. I downloaded the pilot off of SuprNova (RiP) and was instantly hooked. Had to download 8 episodes to catch up. I have no shame in watching this show because it's the best thing on TV right now. I don't expect it to always be good, but i'll enjoy it while it lasts. If you haven't watched it yet, go get the first season on DVD and you'll be happy you did.

Desperate Housewives
Years from now i probably won't even admit to people that i watched this show. It's not the greatest show, or even the greatest primetime soap ever, but it's a nice distraction from life. There's a woman that lives across the street from me that could be a character on this show, and her gardener too. She's Eddy. Oh if only she were Bree, but then there'd just be one more redhead for me to be completely smitten with. Watching her with that creep George every week is really starting to get to me.

the L Word
I fell in love with Mia Kishner in Atom Egoyan's Exotica. Hard to believe that was over ten years ago. Interestingly enough, although she's still beautiful (and often naked in this show) her character kind of annoys me, so she's not the one i'm most attracted to. I'm sure someone will give me flack for being a guy that likes to watch a show about lesbians, but they're an interesting group to focus a show on. The show's so full of drama it doesn't matter what the orientation of those involved is. I only have 2 episodes left to watch of the second season so i started looking around for another series to involve myself in. i don't believe everything i read, but i've heard that the Gilmore Girls is the Best Show on TV for Men, so maybe i'll give it a try.

Nip/Tuck
Here we are in season three and the show keeps on sliding further downhill, like a car crash in slow motion, and i can't take my eyes off of it.

Entourage
This is a hilarious take on celeb life in LA, and reminds me why i decided not to be involved in that industry. Each episode is a half hour of name dropping, bimbos, and excess, but i love that fluff anyway.

Extras
I caught on to the Office phenomenon after it had already gone to DVD. This new Ricky Gervais show is hilarious, sometimes even better than the Office was. He's a genius, plain and simple. I've laughed out loud more at this one than any other show in recent memory. Unfortunately, there are only 6 episodes in the first season so i'm doing my best to savor them.

Six Feet Under
I'm finally making it into season three of this one. Oddly enough, i think i've come to a better understanding of death (and life) after watching this show. It's a dark show about a strange family, but it feels very real.

well, i never... at least until now

2005-11-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

in the deep recesses of my head, there's this theoretical list of things that i haven't yet done yet. They're not so much regrets as just little things with empty checkboxes next to them that i'd like to get around to before i die. In the last few weeks i checked a few boxes, without really trying. Not saying these items were on my list, but had they been, they'd be gone now...

fondle someone that i don't really like
kayaking
kiss someone while thinking of someone else
completely zone out while a woman is talking, but keep saying "uh huh" so they think you're paying attention.
write a breakup letter, and mean it.

I think my breakup letter writing skills might need some practice, but i'd rather not, thanks anyway. Speaking of which, i found a blog that has some great breakup stories. Good for a laugh at someone else's misery, or to take your mind off of your own.

serendipity

2005-10-31T23:58:00.000-08:00

at the beginning of the summer i bought two tickets to a concert (Ben Folds & Rufus Wainwright), with no real person in mind to take with me. I had an idea of a person in my head, but they never materialized. Of course the search for that person became an entire plotline here for awhile. Just after that angst wrapped itself up, i ended up buying tickets for another concert: Bright Eyes playing in Davis, CA. I couldn't resist buying for two, it's just in my nature. Once again, my companion was almost completely unknown at the time, at least mostly.

So last week as the concert got closer and closer, i tried to get my companion to materialize. I asked various people that seemed like they might enjoy the experience, some that i would enjoy and some i was a little unsure of. After being turned down by several, i eventually asked someone i'd always considered... my estranged's best friend, sometimes referred to as my wife's other wife (WoW). She has similar eclectic musical taste as me, and i knew i'd gotten her hooked on the I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning album last winter. So i asked her, and she went along for our little spontaneous adventure. It was a great concert and we both had a wonderful time.

a sidenote here about the concert before i launch into the real point for this post... Bright Eyes was amazing, and completely different than i had expected. I guess i was expecting all emo, all the time. I even wore my best emo shirt, which is so over the top that it's almost a parody of itself. Instead, the music was very full and rich, and there were noticeable country influences over almost everything (he is afterall from Nebraska, so go figure). There were at least seven people on stage for all but one song, including a harp, a horn, two drummers, a full standup bass, and occasional clarinet. So this enhanced many of the songs that i was used to hearing in a completely different way. They played songs from many of their albums, some very old and some not yet released. my favorite use of the harp was definitely on Sunrise, Sunset which opened the show. And then there were those lyrics that i'd never really heard exactly as they were intended, but jabbed me right in the gut this time around... You say that I treat you like a book on a shelf. I don't take you out that often, 'cause I know that I've completed you and that's why you are here.

With that out of the way, there's some history behind WoW, my wife's other wife. Last fall when things started to go south with my estranged, and i learned of her emotional attachment to some nameless, faceless person, WoW was my first guess. It was a little crazy, but they were definitely closer than we were at the time, so it made sense. In reality, WoW was simply the confidant that my estranged shared her pained state with. My suspicion that they were lovers was then shared with WoW, which was amusing but since i hadn't actually met her yet, it made for a slightly awkward first introduction. Oh well, it's easy enough to laugh at after the fact. Actually WoW and I got along pretty well, and seemed to share some similar interests. So much so that one instance even made my estranged take a step back and wonder why so many things about me were of interests to her friend, but had gone completely unnoticed by her. It was a turning point for my estranged since she was trying to justify her infidelities anyway. Now she felt like she was keeping me from being with someone that could truly appreciate me, WoW being the improbable/impossible example of such a person. And since WoW was having some trouble finding a decent guy (she's the origin of half of my all men are losers, all women are crazy theory), my estranged even asked at one point if i would consider dating WoW if they hadn't been friends first. That thought intrigued me for days, and i'm sure made me a little weirder than usual around both of them. Still has an affect on me of course.

With all of that history, and plenty more, WoW and i drove the two hours down to the concert last week and talked and enjoyed our time together. We talked around some topics concerning my estranged, but didn't make a big deal out of it. When i brought up my odd nature of buying two tickets for a concert without really having anyone in mind for the extra, her response was that i was simply leaving it to serendipity. She appreciated it, not just because she was on the receiving end, but i guess also because of what it says about me. And she's right. And i'll go on buying two tickets and enjoying whatever life throws my way.

balance

2005-10-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Regina Lynn, i just took this quiz, which tells you how much your brain functions like a man or a woman, based on several areas (spatial, empathy, vocabulary, etc). Simply put, it looks like i'm quite balanced :

From the details of the survey, it appeared that i was headed more towards the female end of the scale, but did way too well on the 3D objects portion. Oh well, better luck next time.

My scores by section, if you're interested in a comparison. Take the test first though, of course....

Part 1

Angles

Your score: 13 out of 20

Average score for men: 15.1 out of 20

Average score for women: 13.3 out of 20

Spot the difference

Your score: 64%

Average score for men: 39%

Average score for women: 46%

Part 2

Hands : You said your right thumb was on top when you clasped your hands together.

Part 3

Emotions and Systems

Your empathy score is: 10 out of 20

Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20

Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20

Systemising

Your systemising score is: 10 out of 20

Average score for men: 12.5 out of 20

Average score for women: 8.0 out of 20

Eyes

Your score: 7 out of 10

Average score for men: 6.6 out of 10

Average score for women: 6.6 out of 10

Part 4

Fingers

Right Hand: 1.02

Left Hand: 1

Average ratio for men: 0.982

Average ratio for women: 0.991

Part 5

Faces: Your choices suggest you prefer more feminine faces.

Part 6

3D shapes

Your score: 11 out of 12

Average score for men: 8.2 out of 12

Average score for women: 7.1 out of 12

Words

Your score: you associated 7 word(s) with grey and you named 8 word(s) that mean happy. We are assuming that all the words you entered are correct.

Average score for men: 11.4 words total

Average score for women: 12.4 words total

Ultimatum

If you had to split £50 with someone, you said you would demand £25

So far on the Sex ID test, men have demanded 51.6% (£25.80) of the pot and women have demanded 51.0% (£25.50), on average.

US National Debt, thru the years

2005-10-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

US National Debt, thru the years
Originally uploaded by jojoware.

I find this quite depressing. Let's hope it's just liberal propaganda.

IM status taunting

2005-10-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not completely new to instant messaging, but everyone has their own style I guess- Just like in everything else. I noticed over the last week or so that one of my friends likes to taunt others using her status. Some examples....

"everyone is a fucker 2day... losers! I'm going to intertain [sic] myself..."

"you guys suck... entertaining myself."

She's not the only one to use this method, but definitely the most blatant. Most people just use their IM status to let you know what they're up to, whether or not they're available to chat, etc. And then some people (including myself occasionally) have their status show what music they're listening to, so you'll now just how cool they are.

But with this woman, i'm just perplexed. Some times i'm not sure if her status is pointed directly at me or not. For instance, when my status says "workin' it..." because i'm busy, she set hers to "knows how to work it too." Surely she has other people in her buddy list that see the same thing and just wonder, right? Very odd. Personally, i'm against it. Then again, i'm not Ms. Extrovert.

2005-10-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

i was driving up the freeway last week, talking on the phone to one nice woman, on my way to see someone else... and my car died. sputtered, and smoked, and lost it. right there on the side of the freeway. it was a shock really. I've had this little Toyota Corolla for almost five years, and though it's closing in on 200k miles, the only work that's been done on it has been putting on new brakes and tires. the next day the mechanic told me that it needs a new engine, costing me somewhere between $2600 and $6500. Ouch. It's just not worth putting that much work into. Not enough life left in her. For the time being, i can keep driving it, as long as i fill up the radiator first, keep it fairly slow, and not drive very long.

Lately, i've wanted a Jeep. They just look like they'd be fun to drive, and since i don't commute to work anymore, the gas mileage isn't as much of a factor. My first 3 cars were Honda Civics, and i really liked them. Then i had the Corolla, but it's been boring me for quite awhile now. Other than a jeep, which i'm still kind of waffling on, i'm not sure what i want.

I think i could probably have any car that i want, within reason, and i'm not sure what to do with that. I look around at cars and there are so few that wow me, that really make me want to go after them. There are the ones that i've had before (Hondas and Toyotas), ones that are slightly different from my norm (Jeep), and then the ones that i've always wanted but never had the opportunity (VW Squareback). I'm in no hurry, and i have the right to be picky, so i bide my time and testdrive a few here and there and see what exactly i like. At this point, i'm leaning towards the Squareback.

On a side note, why is it that when i do anything that i might enjoy, purely for me, then it's considered part of some mid-life crisis? Is that just bitterness? jealousy? a Jeep would be fun to drive and isn't as sensible as a Toyota... so therefore i'm emotionally/mentally unstable?!?

And one last postscript, for those following along this far that haven't gotten it yet - the car search really serves as a great analogy for other things going on in my life right now. Sometimes things are clearer when viewed through a mirror.

,

the week, in bite-size chunks

2005-10-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

it's been quite a strange week over here at JoJoWare, Inc. world headquarters. I could probably tell plenty, but sometimes it's just more entertaing to be a tease. rather than keep you guessing though, i'll break down a few pieces of my astrological snippet from last week.

Death
My grandfather died last weekend, but that wasn't exactly a bad thing. He's been mostly bed-ridden with Parkinson's for the last 10 years or so, on the brink of death many times. What was interesting about it to me is that it served as a little reminder of where my own father got his stellar, hands-off parenting abilities from. Not that that's an excuse, we all make choices about how we go thru life. My other realization from this is that I've learned to deal with death better after watching Six Feet Under. I haven't known very many people that have died so it's not something i've had much practice at. Leave it to TV to teach me that death is just another part of life.

Sex
Never too far from my mind, but lately it seems to be quite far from my reach. I won't go into specifics here, sorry.

Other People's Property
This could mean many things, which is a good reason to throw it into an astrology statement, right? Can't everyone find something that relates to them from a vague statement like other people's property? Come to think of it, if i'm still technically married, and dating, doesn't that make me other people's property?

Paranormal Experiences
My estranged is psychic. Okay, maybe i'm just not deceitful, and she reads me like an open book. I dropped the kids off last week at her place, on my way to a casual date with a new lady friend. She knew i was headed for a date. Granted i didn't really try too hard to conceal it, but she still knew. Later she told me that she got a sick feeling in her stomach, and noticed that i was looking "all cute" (highest compliment she's paid me in years). This is the first time it's come up directly since i told her that i was placing the personals ad. It brought up lots of crap, of course.

give something up
Later in the week i learned that although i thought we were slipping down the hill towards the big D, she was under the impression that there was hope to be had. She even claims to be sitting at home, sad and lonely, missing me. This all came as a complete shock to me. Definitely not what i was expecting. Does that change where i'm at? No, not really. I guess i just wish i had anticipated it so i could have considered how I would react.

kozmic debris

2005-10-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

i'm an Aries/Pisces cusp dweller. This week it looks like i'm a Pisces...

Having a complete picture of what the future will be like is almost impossible at this point. You're going through deep transformation. Issues revolving around death, sex, other people's property and paranormal experiences come on stronger with the new moon. Give something up to gain something better.

It makes far too much sense to me, and would to you too, if i'd give you the whole story. Maybe some other day.

,

money talks

2005-10-03T23:55:00.000-07:00

A few years ago i was talking with one of my uncles at a family function, and had an epiphone -- men spend way too much time talking about money. I don't know this uncle very well, but rather than focus the conversation on my family, what i was learning in school, life's little absurdities, religion, politics, or whatever, it always seemed to be about money for him. It wasn't just that moment either. Every other year or so we end up chatting over the punch bowl, and it's always about money. This guy's not rich either, he's one of those guys that checks your gas meter to see how much to charge you this month. Nothing really extraordinary to talk about in the money department. I've come to realize that it's not just him either. Watch or participate in any conversation between men and it will inevitably include talk of money.

Not that i'm completely immune to this disease. I can keep the conversation going with my uncle just fine. Taxes, real estate, stocks, interest rates, blah blah blah. I do okay, better than most, and i have dabbled in lots of different areas so i have enough experience to talk the talk. I'm not sure it means the same to me though. Money is a necessity, sure, but i don't find it to be all that interesting or important. To me, to talk about money is just like talking about some weird news item - it's my own bemusement with the absurdity of life. For instance : i made $250 on stocks today... wtf?!? (ya, for real) Isn't that absurd? Numbers in a machine somewhere, and my gamble on some stupid thing actually paid off. In one day, with zero effort, i profitted more money than some people make in a week struggling at their crappy job. That's absurd.

With women it's different. They don't talk about money so much, if even at all. So when money issues come up and i talk about them with a woman (as above, amused by the absurdity), i often wonder if she takes it the right way. I don't want to come off as some asshole that is bragging about the kajillion dollars he's stuffing under his already fat matress. I guess i could try and be straightforward and explain my bemusement, but saying "i don't really care about money, but i'm doing pretty well..." sounds to me to be too close to "i'm totally straight, but..."

okay, i'll quit now, since mostly women read this and they'd probably already skimming by this point. To give you some direct context, i had a date yesterday which went really well. But when she didn't immediately respond to my hey-lets-do-it-again email, money was one of those things that i worried that i might have talked about too much. eventually she wrote back, but i still tend to overthink it.

,

who to be on Halloween?

2005-09-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

tag, not the body spray

2005-09-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

Tagged by MIO

Five things I plan to do before I die:

fly a plane
play piano
make more movies
retire to the big city
interact with my kids as adults, rather than kids that i treat like mini-adults

Five things I can do:

think of 5 new problems caused by someone else's solution
laundry
fall asleep, at the drop of a hat
photographic composition
ponder

Five things I cannot do:

decide where to eat dinner
dance
find time to read books
live without regrets
give up

Five things that attract me to the opposite sex:

liking yourself
knowing what you want from life
intent gaze
taste & opinion
a great ass

Five things I say most often:

actually
figured
of course
theoretically
piece of cake

Five people I would like to do this next:

Mel
my brothers
Toulouse
Jessica, my first non-girlfriend
any of the redheads that currently have me smitten

quantity

2005-09-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

Bobbi joined a New Wave band
changed her name to Bobbi Sox
Eloise, who played guitar,
sang songs about whales and cops
Terri didn't give a shit
was just a nihilist
Ronnie was much more my style
cause she wrote songs just like this

There's an old 80's song by a band called the Nails... 88 Lines About 44 Women. It's been stuck in my head on and off for the last few weeks. I remembered it awhile back, downloaded it, loaded it into my iPod, and listened to it way too much.

Lately this one has come back to me, along with the realization that i don't really have 88 lines about 44 women. Sure, i could give you 88 lines, but they would be about eight women. I just haven't known that many women, and i'm not even talking about the Biblical sense of known. I guess i just think that there are many interesting people out there worth getting to know, so i just have to remind myself not to be self-limiting. And no, i'm not talking about sleeping around.

Which brings up a typical question, being that i'm a young separated man, a catch (yes, my tongue was firmly planted in cheek while typing that)... once free to roam the single world, would i settle down with someone new, or spend some time looking around first? I'm not used to being single, and i don't think i like it. At the same time, i think i'd be doing myself a disservice if i didn't try to see what the rest of the world was like before i started focusing on just one person.

,

self-help

2005-09-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

An article on ZDNet says that half of bloggers do it as a form of self-help, seeking the therapeutic benefit of writing out their thoughts. Why does it always take the media so long to understand anything new? Did anyone out there really think blogging was primarily journalism or political punditry?

...we like to connect with people, learn about their lives, and find common ground.

spammer nation

2005-09-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

On 09/15/2005 09:41 am PDT, "ama902367" wrote:

Hello!!!
"You can believe me, when I tell you, you've never met a woman quite like me. I am very romantic, kind, calm, devoted woman, who does like home coziness. I enjoy good company, music. I adore literature, ballet, like to dance, to go to the theater and cinema. Like any woman I am fond of talking but at the same time I am a good listener. Marriage for me is a mutual work of two people. I suppose the man should be the head of the family. And the woman duty is to respect his opinion even if it differs. It would be a boring world if we all had the same ideas!

I like a smart, honest man, who has a good sense of humor. I would like to meet a man who likes this life, enjoys it, who loves children and does want to have friendly family".

My address: ket_1979@inbox.ru

Don't you hate how advertising preys on our desires? Lately it's gone beyond just popup ads and telemarketers. They're getting a little craftier, trying harder for our attention. The telemarketers leave messages on my answering machine. The banner ads found a way around my popup blockers (damn Flash). They find me thru my instant messenger, and now they invade my personals space as well.

I suppose the man should be the head of the family...

Anyone out there really believe her when she says that? Doesn't sound very convincing.

,

picky, or prudish?

2005-09-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back i had a night out on the town with an odd assortment of people : an old co-worker/friend that had moved away to the big city in pursuit of love (and was about to marry her), some of the guys he used to play in a band with, their girlfriends and assorted hangers-on, a friend of my estranged that used to date the groom-to-be, and me. Ya, i know, i didn't get the feeling that i fit in either. But I had fun hanging out, just outside of my element.

After a few hours and a few drinks, the groom-to-be mingled away from the table i was at, my estranged's friend went home, and i was left with a few friends of friends. One of them was blonde, friendly, very tipsy, and totally digging on me. She came over and sat next to me and snuggled up for some completely meaningless time getting to know each other. She's an art major, pays the bills working in a pharmacy, and smelled really nice. Not the prettiest woman i've ever seen, but not ugly by any means. She had had too much to drink and i hadn't had enough, so that didn't help cupid's sharpshooting skills either. I got to introduce myself to her 4 times because she kept forgetting my name. Ya, she was that drunk.

That said, nothing much happened between us. She went home to sleep off some of her buzz, and soon after i went my separate way as well. Something probably could have happened, but i didn't push for it, and she probably didn't think i was that interested. I'd guess that it's not often that she's that forward with a guy and doesn't get a nice solid response.

So what the hell's my problem?!? Or maybe it's not really a problem, but what gives? For those keeping score, it's been a long long time since i've had the pleasure of another's company. At this point i figured i'd be so desperate that i'd sleep with just about anyone. But this is the second time (at least) that i've proven myself wrong. I'm not really interested in a one night stand, though there are definitely women out there that could change my mind. So was i just being picky? She wasn't beautiful, but definitely cute enough, even with a bit of alcohol in her. If i saw her out and about again, i'm sure i'd talk to her, though i'm also sure she wouldn't remember me at all.

And then I think partially it's the drama that i'm trying to avoid. Connecting with a new person brings the possibility of craziness added to my life, my kids', my estranged's, and plenty of others that just don't care for it. So i'm a little hesitant just to avoid that drama. I also tend to overthink it, as definitely evidenced here. God i wish i could just put a stop to all of that. Would be so much nicer to just be dumb, at least for awhile.

So i settle on it being a little bit of all of the above. And i'll keep my eye out for the person that satisfies my hesitations, at least most of the time. If you know her, have her call me.

,

doctor-patient confidentiality

2005-09-10T00:45:00.000-07:00

patient
doctor, doctor... i don't know what's wrong with me. please help.

doctor
what is it. what ails you child?

patient
doctor, doctor... i'm not sleeping, i'm not tired, i'm not hungry, i'm not motivated, i'm not happy.

doctor
so you're not any of these things, then what are you?

patient
i'm anxious, i'm restless, i'm fidgety,
i'm crashing, i'm grey, i'm blah.

doctor
you're down? you're in a funk? you're depressed?

patient
oh no, not me. i'm over that. i'm okay.... really.

doctor
you're grieving.

patient
nope, can't be - i did that. i checked that off my list. all done. no need to go back to that again. i'm fine.

doctor
you say it's all okay, but then you have such a reaction to my questions. it's hard, and that's okay.

patient
i'm doing alright.

doctor
yes, but you need to grieve, again.

patient
i'll be okay... hopefully, eventually

(after a long pause)
i could really use a good cry, but it just isn't here yet. still coming around the bend.

How It Ends - Devotcha!

2005-09-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

This song has been haunting me since i first heard it on the trailer for Everything is Illuminated. Movie trailers are great for tugging on our heart strings without needing much beyond concept and emotions. I realize that this should be posted on New Music Thursday, but i just can't. It goes beyond my threshold for breakup songs, and that's saying alot. Not that it's the saddest, most definitive breakup song out there. It's just so final. And to post it there would be speaking to her directly. So i put it here to tack on to my 8 ball post where it really belongs. Because i may already know how this will end, but that doesn't mean i'm ready.

Listen Up : http://s18.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=21WHI8FPVRGXG1R5Q1QHF5ZPB6

,

alright, I'll write

2005-09-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

lately, all i want to do is write. blog entries, emails, impatient text messages... anything will do really. there could be many reasons for why, or rather, why now? But i don't have time to write them down. if i tried to steal the time then they'd end up as a list, and we all know that lists do not make good content. Just no time to do it right. Maybe that's one of the reasons, because i have other things that i should be doing that i just don't enjoy as much.

and pictures, and music, and movies, and all sorts of other things that i'd love to be immersed in. Maybe that's the key - creative offerings of life. all we leave behind when we go.

,

behind the 8 ball

2005-09-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, maybe a little longer, a friend of mine sent me a link to a list that i hadn't really wanted to read : the 8 Stages of Ending a Relationship. I've known about it for a long time, heard about it over the years, and wondered recently where i was at in the process. I think i even mentioned it briefly to my counselor, just curious where she saw me on that continuum. She didn't really say. And i didn't really go searching for the answer. I'm not sure i wanted to know.

The stages that most people know are denial (not just a river, uh huh), anger, and grief. Over the last many months i saw myself going through those phases. I guess i didn't start wondering about the other stages until i was past those. The other stages don't fit so easily into our sitcom plots or pop-culture reference dictionaries. I guess in some ways i was hesitant to really go searching for the list of stages because i knew where it was headed.

It's good to have people that will help you to examine yourself, even if it's reluctantly. thanks again for your imperfectly timed offering.

I think i'm standing between stages six and seven. Denial lasted quite awhile. I realized i'd made it through the anger when i quit listening to my iTunes playlist of the same name. Ditto for the [at my window] sad & lonely playlist. I created many scenarios for how we could work it out, and eventually i came to understand what went wrong. As for not being the same person, i'm not sure if it's a process you go thru (did that) or a realization of what was already there. Worse yet, i realize that she seems more of the same in areas that i didn't like, and less of the same in areas that i miss.

After realizing my new personhood (6), i see the next step on the road ahead : no going back. Just beyond that is peace, which is enticing. In some ways i've already experienced that, but invading my peace is the fear of no going back. You can't really skip that one and expect to live in peace.
In this stage, any lingering questions about why the relationship ended are finally extinguished.
I guess that's the part i'm afraid of - what if they're not extinguished? what if i end up looking back years later unsure why we split at all? or with some thought that maybe it could have been saved. i do know a few that have ended up that way, and it's a horrible reality.

woman
(over dinner, while kids play nearby)

How do you know the difference between when you're burned out, and just completely done?

man

I guess you keep at it for awhile and hope things get better. And if you do that for awhile and they don't, then you're just done.

This conversation was about work, not love, but it could have been, and i think they both knew it.

,

getting personal(s) ... epilogue

2005-08-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

There were a few other miscellaneous ends to the personals story, so i should probably spit them out of my head now before they disappear completely.

When it comes to the searching part, the song remains the same, and i don't expect the tempo to become more upbeat anytime soon. I take a look around every few days, and eventually contact one or two people, and then wait forever for the reply that isn't coming. It's a bit depressing. I guess i'm not the only one - Ms. Q says she does the same and is depressed by it as well.

Speaking of Ms. Q, there's still something there. She wasn't lying when she said she wanted to stay friends. Of course it's a complete cliché, but we email each other about once a day anyway, to hell with trite clichés. I'm still patiently waiting for that second non-date to occur. Maybe sometime next week.

I still haven't emailed Ms Guarded back yet. I know i probably should, just not sure what exactly to say after a week of trying to figure out if it's worth it.

Ms Extrovert and I don't chat or email as much anymore. I'm okay with that, but it bothers her. She even brought it up in chat a few days ago - why don't we talk as much anymore? Ummm... because i have other people that i talk to now, in addition to you? No good answer there i guess. I don't ignore her when she tries to chat with me, but i'm not nearly as outgoing with her as i used to be.

I don't have too many pictures of myself, so i posted one a few weeks ago that had me posing with my kids. I wondered if it was a good idea to drag the kids into this, but it's suggested in most places on the site, since they are a huge part of your life. Within a few hours of it going online i received a request from my estranged to remove it. I didn't realize she was keeping such close tabs on my profile. No big deal, so i removed it, but still it seemed a little odd.

The original point of the personals ad was an extension of Contemplating Craigs, to find someone to take to the Ben Folds / Rufus Wainwright concert. Since i couldn't find anyone locally to take with me, i ended up going back to Craig's List a few days before the concert, looking for someone. I was surprised at home many people there were posting in the personals section for the Bay Area. And the tone is so much different... mostly people looking for a quick date tonight. Just so much different than i'm used to. And of course there are 5 times as many men looking for women as there are women looking for men. Some have husbands that just went out of town, others have a new hottub that needs another occupant. I'm not trying to judge any of this, it was just so much different from the online personals experience that i was used to. I found a few that i liked, including one with the sarcastic headline of Newly divorced single mom seeks Rebound, and emailed a few people with the offer of a freebie concert. Unfortunately i never heard back from any of them. I posted an ad looking for a companion for the concert but that listing got buried underneath the myriad other horny guys looking for lovin.

In the end, i took my son with me, and it was a great concert. We both had a blast, had some great time together, made some lasting memories. My estranged was offered the chance to go, but her school and work schedule wouldn't really allow it. She even remarked that she was glad that i was taking our son, that she couldn't have picked a better date for me. Ya, thanks for that. Truthfully, it's a good thing that i didn't take anyone that was supposed to be platonic, because the nice cool evening, and wonderful views of the valley, and general atmosphere of the venue/winery just made me feel like snuggling.

I'm still doing the personals thing, but i'm not sure how well it will work in the long run. Better than going to a bar, but not as good as meeting someone thru friends. I'll continue the story if it needs to be, but i can't guarantee anything. Next chapter should be about a juicy little rendezvous in a bar, so stay tuned.

.

getting personal(s) ... part 2

2005-08-18T01:24:00.000-07:00

And now for the next installment. I need to pickup the pace on this personals story because it's really getting away from me. And so it goes, i guess.

I started emailing Ms. Extrovert a few times (see part 1), but didn't really think there was anything there. And then the woman that i really wanted to meet deleted her profile, so i was back to looking for someone else. The searching part is not really appealing to me. It's not so much that i have to put myself out there (never really know what to say), but that it's such a crap shoot. To make matters worse, the women i've talked to say that they get tons of messages from guys, 90% just looking for sex. How exactly do you get a woman to pick you out of that bunch? Is it possible to not come off as if you're just looking for sex? It is, but it's difficult.

I found another woman, that actually responded to my self-deprecating pickup lines, and she turned out the be the complete opposite of Ms. Extrovert. I guess i'll refer to her as Ms. Guarded. I wasn't sure about emailing her, but she always ended up really high on my searches based on overall fit. Might as well give it a try. I was sooooo surprised when she responded (having only had 1 response out of about 10 by this point), but her response was basically "nice message. you made me laugh, but there weren't any questions. What do you wanna know?" That threw me for a loop, mostly because it didn't seem all that friendly. But i came up with some basic ice breaker questions and emailed her back, starting to get a little excited about it. Ms Guarded came back with one line answers to 2 out of my 3 questions, and completely avoided the other. And then ended with "anything else?" Umm.... ya, why so guarded?!? I looked at her profile again, and noticed that in the personality test we matched up fairly well on everything except "agreeableness", where she ends up on the guarded end of the scale and while i'm on the open end. I haven't responded back. Not even sure what to say. I don't need (another) person like that in my life. I'm much happier with friendly, open, and honest people.

Around that time i happened upon a new profile in my searches that looked really interesting, but didn't have a photo. Of course photos are important, but she sounded like she was looking for the same thing as me, or at least what i think i'm looking for... someone to go out with, spend time with, and have a good time. Not a one-nighter but not the love of your life. There seem to be very few people open to that middle ground. Most women are looking for Mr. Right, or the knight in shining armor, or a daddy for their kids. I may be a great guy, and able to fill those roles, but their just not for me right now. So i sent her a message and she emailed me, and we hit it off pretty well. We'll call her Ms. Q for now. She's 33, has a couple of kids, is divorced, and loves to travel. A few days into our back and forth, novella-length emails, she said her hands hurt from typing, so why not just call. I found her in chat and setup a good time to call her, and did.

Now we must pause for a second and remember just how long it's been since i've called a strange woman on the phone. Let's just say it was in a different millennium, and grunge was still fairly popular, and gophers still burrowed thru the internets, and people were paying by the hour for access to AOL.

I was a bit nervous, but i called, and we talked for about an hour and a half. And though she said she didn't usually stay up that late, after hanging up the phone we wandered into IM-land and continued to chat for another hour. The next night i actually got the nerve up to ask her out, as long as we kept it low-key, with low expectations. So on Sunday night we had dinner at a simple Chinese restaurant, and ended up talking and having a good time for a few hours. I was nervous, but not too bad, and we seemed to get along very well. I think it might just have been the only "traditional" first date that i've ever been on. For that reason alone, it was nice to do it and take some of the pressure off of me for what that's like. I'm not sure about the chemistry between us, if there actually was any or not, but would definitely be willing to give it a second try to see if anything develops. As for this time, it ended with a hug rather than a kiss, but it didn't seem like a 'no thank-you' hug.

The two funniest parts of the date ...

when she asked if we were going to split the check, which came to a whopping $14.87 (i paid it, of course)
when i was stupid enough to complain about my house being too big.... to this poor woman living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 2 boys.

When i chatted with Ms. Q the next night, she backed off, and basically dumped me via IM. But she did it in such a nice way that i wasn't even sure i was dumped. When I chatted with Ms. Extro later, i actually copied a few lines to her to see what she thought, if i was actually dumped. The phrase "this may seem harsh" is a dead giveaway of course. Dumping me isn't really even a good way to describe it, she just backed off to friend level, and for very good reason. She thinks i'm headed for a very rough divorce, and knows that she can't handle the emotional roller coaster. She said she could be a friend on the sideline and would gladly take me out for drinks, but she wouldn't be able to go along for the ride. She's had a few tough relationships over the years, so i understand why it would go like this. And she seems genuine about being a friend; our email and IM contact has stayed about the same since then.

Okay, this post is huge, but there's one last bit to get us up-to-date : Ms. Extrovert. Ya, i know, i should have listened to my gut, but i didn't feel like i was being fair to her. So after being dumped by Ms Q (and with some urging from her) I decided to ask Ms Extro out for a drink, just to meet and get to know her a bit. So i worked a long day at the office and then met her at a local college bar for a couple of drinks. She was pretty much what i expected, from the appearance to the personality to the stories and lifestyle and all the way down to her being much more interested in me than i am in her. I was nice, and i gave it a worthy effort, but there just wasn't anything there for me. We ended with a walk that probably would have been romantic if i was attracted and in the mood, but at that point i was pretty tired of the whole thing. She asked if we would be doing this again, to which i responded (without really thinking about how it sounded) "well, maybe... we'll see..." Which she then repeated back quizzically "...we'll see? hmmmm..." And that was that. I haven't really chatted with her much since then, though i'm sure we'll stay on friendly terms.

Enough from me for now, more than enough. There are other posts built up in my head, but that bit needed to get out first. And for those that commented, and read down this far, thanks for the wonderful comments and well-wishes and virtual hugs that you've sent my way. Once again reminding me that good connections with people can be virtual, and platonic, and still very real. See, that proves i'm not just looking for sex ;-)

getting personal(s)... part 1.5

2005-08-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

Okay peanut gallery... i'm hereby submitting for your approval (and chuckles), a link to my personals profile. Probably would have been more fun to make a contest out of it, where those that don't know what i look like would have to try and find it.

And while we're on the topic, i found a site about six months ago that just listed links to awful personals profiles, submitted by users i think. Some were funny because of what they said. Others had inappropriate and/or hilarious photos (e.g., a wedding photo with the groom's face blanked out). I'll definitely give out a prize for anyone that can find that site again. I just can't seem to get Google to give up the goods.

Then there's one other little funny bit to add to this distractionary post-between-posts. I also signed up for Match.com a few days ago, and after a few hours was greeted with this in my inbox:

It's all just so surreal to me.

.

52 in 52 : Tong Fong Low

2005-08-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't experience real Chinese food until I was almost 19 years old, after moving back to California of course. In Alabama, where I grew up, it wasn't exactly a common (or respected) delicacy. I remember only one Chinese restaurant in Mobile, next to Applebee's, and i was told several times that they served dog meat there. Ah, good times indeed.

That said, i have had a lot of good Chinese food since then, and the best i've had in Northern California is definitely at Tong Fong Low's in Oroville. I would never have expected it to be found in Oroville where good restaurants are hard to come by, but we shouldn't prejudge based solely on location. From what i've read about the restaurant, it has alot to do with tradition. I guess they've only had two different owners since opening originally in 1912. Ya.... wow. But don't get me wrong, it doesn't feel like a stuffy, established restaurant with high-priced dishes.

So when i met a new lady friend that lives in Oroville, and we were trying to think of a low-key, casual place to eat and chat, Tong Fong Low's was a perfect choice. We grabbed a booth, i poured myself some hot tea to sip, and we had a great time hanging out and getting to know each other for almost two hours. It's not the most romantic place, but a nice slow meal, especially when i try to use chopsticks.

I don't really care for Oroville, but I've got to learn that these types of places (like people) can be hidden anywhere. Keep your eyes and mind open and you might just find a gem.

eats : snow pea chicken and vegetarian chow mein (soft noodles)
clientele : families... rich, poor, black, white, old, and young.
price : way too cheap, less than $15

getting personal(s) ... part 1

2005-08-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

So i posted Contemplating Craigs, and then i wrote a bit about the personals thing, and teased just a little. I know there are probably a few curious kittens out there just wondering how that's all going.

First off, i kinda talked myself out of the Craig's List idea, but for valid reasons. I wasn't sure which section i should put the listing in : just friends, men seeking women, or casual encounters. Okay, really i never considered the last section, but i probably should have. Was i hoping for a friendly dinner? a long distance relationship? or a casual hookup with a concert as excuse? I'm not really interested in a one-night fling, concert or not. But i would want to go with someone that i really liked, and hopefully even have it turn romantic. The killer here for me was that i was going to post in a different region. Why would i want a long distance romance anyway? Either it's a pain in the ass, or i'd just be doing it so that the person is always at a safe distance.

Maybe i was over-thinking it, but that's what i made of it. I guess i realized that if i'm gonna go looking for someone, i might as well be serious and make it someone local that i could really get to know. And hopefully that person and i will get along so well that she'll go with me to the concert as well. Just a totally different connection with someone than a casual or friendly encounter that's just about the concert. And more like what i'd really want in my life right now.

I put up a profile on Yahoo Personals, basically just looking for new friends and experiences. Actually that was originally my headline, but it kinda sounded like i was just looking for sex so i changed it. I picked Yahoo after looking around a bit, because they just had more active people from my area. I think my basic search comes up with 90 people within 50 miles that have been active in the last 2 or 3 months. Later i learned that Yahoo has the biggest online personals site right now.

Posting a profile is very bizarre, and tends to teach you more about yourself and what you're looking for than you might be ready to learn. Is smoking occasionally okay? Drinking regularly? Do you want more kids? How important are religion and politics. It took me hours to really get my profile to where i wanted it. I even posted a crappy camera phone picture that i took of myself in the mirror. Might as well do it up right, right? I know that doesn't sound like such a big deal (i was wearing my shirt after all ;-) but some may notice that i always have my face obscured in online headshots. Just not looking to be known, at least until now.

Profile posted, i went looking at others. You can save profiles of people that you find, which i did, and i sent 1 or 2 messages to people that i was interested in. And then waited for responses. And kept checking. Hmmm... "no new messages". That bit's kind of depressing. The empty inbox always sucks, but the personals thing just makes it worse. I did get a message from one person fairly quickly, but she stated right up front that she wasn't interested in separated guys. Ya... can't say i blame her really. But she wanted to hear my story anyway, so we've been sending mail back and forth and chatting. For privacy purposes we'll call her Ms. Extrovert. Other than her, i didn't get much of anything from anyone for at least the first week. The first woman i was really interested in never responded to my message, so i gave her some time and then tried again. I didn't feel right going after lots of women at the same time (just felt sleazy), so i wanted to hear back from her before i pursued others. After the second message, she deleted her profile! oh man, how depressing is that? But the optimistic side of me hopes she found true love some other way and didn't want the distraction of the personals site anymore.

I could write a whole post just about Ms. Extrovert. Not because i've slept with her or anything, but because i'm not really interested even though she is. The chemistry just doesn't seem to be there for me. She started out as just being a helpful friend that showed me the ropes of the personals world. But she gets flirty and has wanted to meet in real life as well. To put it bluntly, i know i could probably have sex with her, but i'm really not interested. In some ways it's been nice to learn that i'm not oh-so-desperate for that kind of lovin. She asked me out on a day that i was busy and we haven't gotten back around to finding a better time. Mostly i don't want to meet her because i don't want her to get the impression that i'm interested. But how can i not be that interested if i haven't even really met her? Maybe it's just a hunch.

This will have to be part 1 of a multi-part post. Let's just say i have someone to meet in a little while and i have to get ready. See, doesn't that just leave you wanting part 2 even more? :-)

more later.

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honeygirl

2005-08-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

honeygirl found me today on YIM. I think i'm in love.

(click to read)

So in lieu of a real post on the personals scene that i've been dabbling in lately, you get this. Not far from reality so it'll do, for now.

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52 in 52 : Pommes Frites

2005-08-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

Finally on to #3 in my journey. Pommes Frites is a nice little shop on one of the main thoroughfaires in downtown, specializing in fish 'n' chips and catering mostly to students. I hadn't been in there in quite awhile, mainly because the stuff i love gives me bad breathe. But hey, no one to kiss today so why worry about it? They make excellent fish 'n' chips and have a variety of dipping sauces, but today i opted for some of their lighter fare. I guess they're expanding their menu because a lunchtime of grease just doesn't sound as good during the summer. So i ordered what i saw out front on the board -- spicy rice bowl with tofu and teriyaki sauce. Great vegetables, excellent sauce, and the best crispy-on-the-outside tofu i've ever had. The nice lady behind the counter even sprinkled peanuts on mine because she thought it would be better that way (and it was).

Pictured here is part of the atmosphere - paintings by a local artist. Thick colors on solid wood. And since you probably can't read the price in this little pict... that one's only $10. Guess someone's desperate for rent money this month, because they're really nice paintings. Might have to go back and get one for the office.

jump right in

2005-08-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

I rode my bike through the park a few days ago, something i do quite often, obviously. One of my favorite parts of riding through the park is having a nice, quiet sit-down at the end, to watch the peoples and goings-on. Always seems to be someone there worth watching.

On this day, it was fairly early still, around 8:30 or 9... some of us make our own work hours ;-) An artsy-type, rebel girl rode up on her bike across the pool from me. She was pretty stereotypical in dress and manner : short black pants, Converse sneakers, tight shirt, pasty white skin, black hair, wallet on a long chain. But she was also quite carefree. She rode up on her bike, dropped it on the sidewalk, and then stripped down to her skivvies and jumped in the water. It was the most beautiful thing i've seen in a long time. And i'm not saying that because i'm an exciteable male, but because it was a simple loving of life in the moment. Just not something we get to see very often. I've replayed it in my head many times, just trying to reflect on those little moments. Just before she jumped in, she backed up a bit further and pulled her pony tail out. She was just a bit unsure, but it wasn't about standing there in her green-and-white striped boy briefs, it was about the depth and chill of the water.

I watched her for awhile. She swam, got out and dove back in, floated and chilled. Then a boy showed up that she knew and he stripped off his clothes just before she pushed him in. Whatever cares they may have had were completely absent. I'm not saying all of this out of jealousy, just simple bemusement. I have my own moments like this, but they're usually a bit more private. I'm glad hers wasn't or i would have missed out on a beautiful thing.

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;
it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
-- Sidney J. Harris

(Maybe my 52 in 52 should be stories gathered from the edge of Sycamore pool, rather than places i eat. I think i'm up to 4 now, which is more than i have with the places to eat.)

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what comes next?

2005-08-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

I'm no believer, but every once in awhile i read (and read into) my horoscope. This week's is poignant, and brought to you by the Synthesis. For those keeping score at home, i'm really a Pisces, not an Aries, but i'm right on the cusp and Aries seems to fit better most of the time.

Aries: Leap before you look. Your life is charmed in some ways. Your passion finally has some healthy outlets. Learn to express yourself in ways that are creative and unique. Your imagination is flourishing. The ground is fertile for your new ideas. Give up on feeling lost. Enjoy the surprise that comes from not knowing what comes next.

Damn i love that last line. How poetic.

you were so distant, but i stayed close.
-- Badly Drawn Boy, Another Devil Dies

painted Toes

2005-07-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

painted Toes
Originally uploaded by JoJoWare, your life is calling.

Daddy & his little girl decided to paint toes. Hers are prettier.

get your feet wet

2005-07-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

The last post was quite appropriate. Looks like more will come along those lines. I have been given an assignment : get your feet wet. Within a few hours of being given this assignment, i was approached, without even really knowing it, and the best i could muster was dipping a toe in the water to see how it felt. Not exactly getting my feet wet, but better than my usual. I'm just not a player. More on that sports analogy later.

So i took the kids down to the concert in the park, which is usually just an excuse for us to play on the playground with musical accompaniment. Big-band, jazz sounds this week so it was quite pleasant, and not as crowded as usual. I noticed a young woman trying to keep track of her little boy (probably around two years old). She was quite attractive, and not really with anyone other than the kid. Through whatever bizarre circumstances, we talked very briefly. And then i gave it a few minutes and went over and talked a little more with her. I played with the kids a bit, and eventually she made her way over to us to make small talk. It sounds like a dance when i describe it now, but i was pretty clueless to it at this point. But wait, it gets worse. Her choice of small talk? Something about my kids' beautiful red hair, and then "do they get that from your wife?" To which i respond vaguely... "from their mother, blah blah blah..." Okay, the first time is a gimme. The second time, she saw someone dancing or waving or whatever, and thought they were trying to get my attention... "Is that your wife over there waving at you." No, it's not... but i'm an idiot anyway, thanks. She got away, chasing her kid off to another part of the park. I finally figured it out, but had to go with my own kids.

So as a sports analogy, this one is easy. A few weeks back, after watching people play baseball for quite awhile, i was thrown back into the game, by a friend who knew that i needed it. The pitch was there, though a little bit of a curveball. I don't think i would have knocked it out of the park, but it was at least a base hit. I really wasn't ready for it though. It's been awhile since i've played, and i'm not sure i ever really was that good anyway. This time i step back up to the plate, not really paying much attention, and a nice pitch goes right past me. Then the pitcher slows it down, lobbing it right over the plate. The sun must have been in my eyes. Instead of homerun glory, i'm left sitting on the bench imagining what could have been.

I'm not a big sports fan, but i love analogies. Of course i should have clarified the wife scenario, which is really what she was looking for. She's a smart woman and doesn't come right out and ask. I shoulda/woulda/coulda said "ya, my estranged wife has red hair just like that." Ugh. God i suck. Supposedly the French have a word for that, when you think of the perfect thing to say just a bit too late... but i can't remember the word either. It will come to me later, full of irony.

Let's just mix this one up a little more. The woman in question, at the park, was a beautiful black woman. Yep. And for anyone out there that doesn't know me, i'm about as white as i could possibly be. Her kid was a gorgeous, mixed-race kid though. Complete with blue eyes and blonde-ish hair. Little mixed boys are just about as cute as you can possibly get. So although i would never expect a black woman to be interested in me, i'd have to say that there was a good chance that i wasn't the only one interested. New people, new experiences... right? I just need to learn to be prepared for the pitch when it comes. Never seems to be when i expect it.

I did talk to her, which is a bit of a step for me under such circumstances. I guess the real lesson that i can't seem to get, is that i'm not the only one that's interested.

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contemplating craigs

2005-07-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

I have two tickets to a concert next month, and no one to take with me. It's Rufus Wainwright, Ben Folds, and Ben Lee playing at a winery near Santa Cruz. I knew that i'd probably need a nice break from my work by the time it got here, so I really didn't mind spending the money on the tix. Part of me was hopeful that i'd have some sort of significant other by then... ya, silly me. And then of course I knew that if all else fell thru then i'd at least be able to have my estranged or her brother join me. She hasn't even asked about it, tho i'm pretty sure I told her I bought 2 tix.

now for the crazy part... I'm considering finding a complete stranger to go with me. Hey, why not?? new people, new experiences, right? some i'm thinking of posting an ad on Craigs List, looking for someone to share the experience with. Worst that could happen... no one responds? only weirdos? surely someone could go for a freebie concert, right? Or maybe I pay the ticket and they pay for dinner and drinks afterwards. they're excellent tickets (4th row center) so it shouldn't be too hard to find someone. I'm not exactly looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, just a few good hours.

Okay, for further consideration... should that be posted in the strictly platonic section, or men seeking women? I guess that would be the part where i'd have to get honest with myself about what i'm really interested in. Damn. I don't mind being honest with other people, but hate having to be honest with myself.

I shouldn't even have to pause and consider something like this, but it's just not like the usual me (whoever that is). i've caught myself browsing thru personals sites a few times. I hate to even admit it. Just feels pathetic. Probably even a worse way to find someone worth meeting than drunkenly meandering thru bars (not that i'd do that, of course ;-)

so ya, that's how bad i've gotten. Everbody needs somebody sometimes.

love comes tumbling

2005-07-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a romantic. Not like a Hallmark card, or rooftop candlelight dinners designed to sweep women off their feet (though i'm not opposed).... but more like the aesthetic sense : Imaginative but impractical. Hopeless optimist, hopeless romantic. Goes hand in hand. So reincarnation, of course, appeals to me greatly. Who wants to run off to some gold-drenched paradise to strum on a harp? When i finish my ride on this roller coaster of life, i'd love nothing more than to jump back in line and go for another ride.

I watched Birth this weekend, which is why this comes up. My expectations were pretty low, based on reviews. The premise was interesting though... a woman's husband dies and ten years later she's confronted by a boy that claims to be the husband, reincarnated. She laughs it off, but he offers plenty of proof and knows things that only the husband could know. The first half of the movie is mostly the romantic notions, and then love comes tumbling down.

The technical film critic in me really enjoyed the music (beautiful and used to great affect), the dark photography (best night scenes since Fincher's the Game), and the believability of the performances. How would you react in this scenario? What would it take to convince you that it was really the husband?

The part that kills me, is that it's life. We'd like to believe that love is the all-powerful force that holds the entire universe together. That love is many a splendid thing... That love lifts us up where we belong... That all you need is love... But the logical end of your brain can't help but butt-in and remind you how love is just a chemical reaction that evolution cursed us with to ensure that we keep procreating.

And then, in the end of Birth, there's a twist. Just when I was crushed into accepting logic, there's the glimmer of hope that maybe it was love all along. And we keep going on that glimmer alone.