getting personal(s) ... part 2
And now for the next installment. I need to pickup the pace on this personals story because it's really getting away from me. And so it goes, i guess.
I started emailing Ms. Extrovert a few times (see part 1), but didn't really think there was anything there. And then the woman that i really wanted to meet deleted her profile, so i was back to looking for someone else. The searching part is not really appealing to me. It's not so much that i have to put myself out there (never really know what to say), but that it's such a crap shoot. To make matters worse, the women i've talked to say that they get tons of messages from guys, 90% just looking for sex. How exactly do you get a woman to pick you out of that bunch? Is it possible to not come off as if you're just looking for sex? It is, but it's difficult.
I found another woman, that actually responded to my self-deprecating pickup lines, and she turned out the be the complete opposite of Ms. Extrovert. I guess i'll refer to her as Ms. Guarded. I wasn't sure about emailing her, but she always ended up really high on my searches based on overall fit. Might as well give it a try. I was sooooo surprised when she responded (having only had 1 response out of about 10 by this point), but her response was basically "nice message. you made me laugh, but there weren't any questions. What do you wanna know?" That threw me for a loop, mostly because it didn't seem all that friendly. But i came up with some basic ice breaker questions and emailed her back, starting to get a little excited about it. Ms Guarded came back with one line answers to 2 out of my 3 questions, and completely avoided the other. And then ended with "anything else?" Umm.... ya, why so guarded?!? I looked at her profile again, and noticed that in the personality test we matched up fairly well on everything except "agreeableness", where she ends up on the guarded end of the scale and while i'm on the open end. I haven't responded back. Not even sure what to say. I don't need (another) person like that in my life. I'm much happier with friendly, open, and honest people.
Around that time i happened upon a new profile in my searches that looked really interesting, but didn't have a photo. Of course photos are important, but she sounded like she was looking for the same thing as me, or at least what i think i'm looking for... someone to go out with, spend time with, and have a good time. Not a one-nighter but not the love of your life. There seem to be very few people open to that middle ground. Most women are looking for Mr. Right, or the knight in shining armor, or a daddy for their kids. I may be a great guy, and able to fill those roles, but their just not for me right now. So i sent her a message and she emailed me, and we hit it off pretty well. We'll call her Ms. Q for now. She's 33, has a couple of kids, is divorced, and loves to travel. A few days into our back and forth, novella-length emails, she said her hands hurt from typing, so why not just call. I found her in chat and setup a good time to call her, and did.
Now we must pause for a second and remember just how long it's been since i've called a strange woman on the phone. Let's just say it was in a different millennium, and grunge was still fairly popular, and gophers still burrowed thru the internets, and people were paying by the hour for access to AOL.
I was a bit nervous, but i called, and we talked for about an hour and a half. And though she said she didn't usually stay up that late, after hanging up the phone we wandered into IM-land and continued to chat for another hour. The next night i actually got the nerve up to ask her out, as long as we kept it low-key, with low expectations. So on Sunday night we had dinner at a simple Chinese restaurant, and ended up talking and having a good time for a few hours. I was nervous, but not too bad, and we seemed to get along very well. I think it might just have been the only "traditional" first date that i've ever been on. For that reason alone, it was nice to do it and take some of the pressure off of me for what that's like. I'm not sure about the chemistry between us, if there actually was any or not, but would definitely be willing to give it a second try to see if anything develops. As for this time, it ended with a hug rather than a kiss, but it didn't seem like a 'no thank-you' hug.
The two funniest parts of the date ...
When i chatted with Ms. Q the next night, she backed off, and basically dumped me via IM. But she did it in such a nice way that i wasn't even sure i was dumped. When I chatted with Ms. Extro later, i actually copied a few lines to her to see what she thought, if i was actually dumped. The phrase "this may seem harsh" is a dead giveaway of course. Dumping me isn't really even a good way to describe it, she just backed off to friend level, and for very good reason. She thinks i'm headed for a very rough divorce, and knows that she can't handle the emotional roller coaster. She said she could be a friend on the sideline and would gladly take me out for drinks, but she wouldn't be able to go along for the ride. She's had a few tough relationships over the years, so i understand why it would go like this. And she seems genuine about being a friend; our email and IM contact has stayed about the same since then.
Okay, this post is huge, but there's one last bit to get us up-to-date : Ms. Extrovert. Ya, i know, i should have listened to my gut, but i didn't feel like i was being fair to her. So after being dumped by Ms Q (and with some urging from her) I decided to ask Ms Extro out for a drink, just to meet and get to know her a bit. So i worked a long day at the office and then met her at a local college bar for a couple of drinks. She was pretty much what i expected, from the appearance to the personality to the stories and lifestyle and all the way down to her being much more interested in me than i am in her. I was nice, and i gave it a worthy effort, but there just wasn't anything there for me. We ended with a walk that probably would have been romantic if i was attracted and in the mood, but at that point i was pretty tired of the whole thing. She asked if we would be doing this again, to which i responded (without really thinking about how it sounded) "well, maybe... we'll see..." Which she then repeated back quizzically "...we'll see? hmmmm..." And that was that. I haven't really chatted with her much since then, though i'm sure we'll stay on friendly terms.
Enough from me for now, more than enough. There are other posts built up in my head, but that bit needed to get out first. And for those that commented, and read down this far, thanks for the wonderful comments and well-wishes and virtual hugs that you've sent my way. Once again reminding me that good connections with people can be virtual, and platonic, and still very real. See, that proves i'm not just looking for sex ;-)
I started emailing Ms. Extrovert a few times (see part 1), but didn't really think there was anything there. And then the woman that i really wanted to meet deleted her profile, so i was back to looking for someone else. The searching part is not really appealing to me. It's not so much that i have to put myself out there (never really know what to say), but that it's such a crap shoot. To make matters worse, the women i've talked to say that they get tons of messages from guys, 90% just looking for sex. How exactly do you get a woman to pick you out of that bunch? Is it possible to not come off as if you're just looking for sex? It is, but it's difficult.
I found another woman, that actually responded to my self-deprecating pickup lines, and she turned out the be the complete opposite of Ms. Extrovert. I guess i'll refer to her as Ms. Guarded. I wasn't sure about emailing her, but she always ended up really high on my searches based on overall fit. Might as well give it a try. I was sooooo surprised when she responded (having only had 1 response out of about 10 by this point), but her response was basically "nice message. you made me laugh, but there weren't any questions. What do you wanna know?" That threw me for a loop, mostly because it didn't seem all that friendly. But i came up with some basic ice breaker questions and emailed her back, starting to get a little excited about it. Ms Guarded came back with one line answers to 2 out of my 3 questions, and completely avoided the other. And then ended with "anything else?" Umm.... ya, why so guarded?!? I looked at her profile again, and noticed that in the personality test we matched up fairly well on everything except "agreeableness", where she ends up on the guarded end of the scale and while i'm on the open end. I haven't responded back. Not even sure what to say. I don't need (another) person like that in my life. I'm much happier with friendly, open, and honest people.
Around that time i happened upon a new profile in my searches that looked really interesting, but didn't have a photo. Of course photos are important, but she sounded like she was looking for the same thing as me, or at least what i think i'm looking for... someone to go out with, spend time with, and have a good time. Not a one-nighter but not the love of your life. There seem to be very few people open to that middle ground. Most women are looking for Mr. Right, or the knight in shining armor, or a daddy for their kids. I may be a great guy, and able to fill those roles, but their just not for me right now. So i sent her a message and she emailed me, and we hit it off pretty well. We'll call her Ms. Q for now. She's 33, has a couple of kids, is divorced, and loves to travel. A few days into our back and forth, novella-length emails, she said her hands hurt from typing, so why not just call. I found her in chat and setup a good time to call her, and did.
Now we must pause for a second and remember just how long it's been since i've called a strange woman on the phone. Let's just say it was in a different millennium, and grunge was still fairly popular, and gophers still burrowed thru the internets, and people were paying by the hour for access to AOL.
I was a bit nervous, but i called, and we talked for about an hour and a half. And though she said she didn't usually stay up that late, after hanging up the phone we wandered into IM-land and continued to chat for another hour. The next night i actually got the nerve up to ask her out, as long as we kept it low-key, with low expectations. So on Sunday night we had dinner at a simple Chinese restaurant, and ended up talking and having a good time for a few hours. I was nervous, but not too bad, and we seemed to get along very well. I think it might just have been the only "traditional" first date that i've ever been on. For that reason alone, it was nice to do it and take some of the pressure off of me for what that's like. I'm not sure about the chemistry between us, if there actually was any or not, but would definitely be willing to give it a second try to see if anything develops. As for this time, it ended with a hug rather than a kiss, but it didn't seem like a 'no thank-you' hug.
The two funniest parts of the date ...
- when she asked if we were going to split the check, which came to a whopping $14.87 (i paid it, of course)
- when i was stupid enough to complain about my house being too big.... to this poor woman living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 2 boys.
When i chatted with Ms. Q the next night, she backed off, and basically dumped me via IM. But she did it in such a nice way that i wasn't even sure i was dumped. When I chatted with Ms. Extro later, i actually copied a few lines to her to see what she thought, if i was actually dumped. The phrase "this may seem harsh" is a dead giveaway of course. Dumping me isn't really even a good way to describe it, she just backed off to friend level, and for very good reason. She thinks i'm headed for a very rough divorce, and knows that she can't handle the emotional roller coaster. She said she could be a friend on the sideline and would gladly take me out for drinks, but she wouldn't be able to go along for the ride. She's had a few tough relationships over the years, so i understand why it would go like this. And she seems genuine about being a friend; our email and IM contact has stayed about the same since then.
Okay, this post is huge, but there's one last bit to get us up-to-date : Ms. Extrovert. Ya, i know, i should have listened to my gut, but i didn't feel like i was being fair to her. So after being dumped by Ms Q (and with some urging from her) I decided to ask Ms Extro out for a drink, just to meet and get to know her a bit. So i worked a long day at the office and then met her at a local college bar for a couple of drinks. She was pretty much what i expected, from the appearance to the personality to the stories and lifestyle and all the way down to her being much more interested in me than i am in her. I was nice, and i gave it a worthy effort, but there just wasn't anything there for me. We ended with a walk that probably would have been romantic if i was attracted and in the mood, but at that point i was pretty tired of the whole thing. She asked if we would be doing this again, to which i responded (without really thinking about how it sounded) "well, maybe... we'll see..." Which she then repeated back quizzically "...we'll see? hmmmm..." And that was that. I haven't really chatted with her much since then, though i'm sure we'll stay on friendly terms.
Enough from me for now, more than enough. There are other posts built up in my head, but that bit needed to get out first. And for those that commented, and read down this far, thanks for the wonderful comments and well-wishes and virtual hugs that you've sent my way. Once again reminding me that good connections with people can be virtual, and platonic, and still very real. See, that proves i'm not just looking for sex ;-)
posted by joe @ 1:24 AM
2 comments
well at least you have a few new friends...
be patient.
Isn't it entertaining what you learn about yourself through it all? My on-line dating experience was fun. I learned how to say, "I enjoyed meeting you" without having to say, "what's next?" and to tell someone that there would not be a second date or to accept hearing it without letting it hurt my feelings. I gained so much more self worth balanced with humor.
So, what's the story on the wicked divorce? One of my friends would tell me that getting into a new relationship when you are still getting over the last one is like changing lounge chairs on the Titanic.