truth be told
Last week the inevitable happened - one of the many characters in the virtual screenplay that is Your Life is Calling, happened upon the script. For awhile i feared this eventuality, mostly because i thought my estranged would be the one to make the discovery. I even covered my tracks for awhile so she wouldn't follow me back to my secret world. Then i gave up those measures and realized that what i really wanted was for her to want to find it, to read it, to know me a bit better. Sounds odd to say it that way, since she knows me far better than anyone else, or at least has at some points. Anyway, she never has found this, and i get to go on dealing with the fact that she doesn't really care enough to look for it, for me. Or so it seems.
So the character jumped down off the stage and decided to join the audience. I wish that analogy would work, but it just doesn't. Maybe it's more like we're rehearsing this play that i wrote, when suddenly one of the actors breaks out of character and decides to argue with me about the thoughts and feelings of her character. "She wouldn't say that... do i have to say that? And that's not the way he would react to me..." But this isn't her story, this one's mine. I felt it, i wrote it. Not right or wrong, it just is what it is.
From there it spreads. I had to share the story with Ms. Q, knowing that she would probably go looking for my script lying around as well, if just to see how her character is turning out. She looked and found, but her reaction wasn't the same - "How can she argue about what you feel?" My thoughts exactly.
Now that they know, the mythical fourth wall is broken. What to do? I could abandon this locale and find a more anonymous place to hang out. I could be more vague about the details in my life and go back to focusing on the generic absurdities of the world. I could add them to the list of known audience members of which i have my own thoughts and stories that go untold. Or i could just pretend i don't care, say what i want, to hell with other people's feelings. Maybe i'll go for all of the above (except for the whole running and hiding thing, that's just not me).
PS - don't bother asking who the character is because i never gave her a pseudonym on here. If you really need a clue, she's the one i wrote a breakup letter to, and meant it. If you want to go on a hunt in search of a better treasure, go to the website mentioned in that post and see if you can find the breakup letter that i didn't mean. It's out there, anonymously.
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So the character jumped down off the stage and decided to join the audience. I wish that analogy would work, but it just doesn't. Maybe it's more like we're rehearsing this play that i wrote, when suddenly one of the actors breaks out of character and decides to argue with me about the thoughts and feelings of her character. "She wouldn't say that... do i have to say that? And that's not the way he would react to me..." But this isn't her story, this one's mine. I felt it, i wrote it. Not right or wrong, it just is what it is.From there it spreads. I had to share the story with Ms. Q, knowing that she would probably go looking for my script lying around as well, if just to see how her character is turning out. She looked and found, but her reaction wasn't the same - "How can she argue about what you feel?" My thoughts exactly.
Now that they know, the mythical fourth wall is broken. What to do? I could abandon this locale and find a more anonymous place to hang out. I could be more vague about the details in my life and go back to focusing on the generic absurdities of the world. I could add them to the list of known audience members of which i have my own thoughts and stories that go untold. Or i could just pretend i don't care, say what i want, to hell with other people's feelings. Maybe i'll go for all of the above (except for the whole running and hiding thing, that's just not me).
PS - don't bother asking who the character is because i never gave her a pseudonym on here. If you really need a clue, she's the one i wrote a breakup letter to, and meant it. If you want to go on a hunt in search of a better treasure, go to the website mentioned in that post and see if you can find the breakup letter that i didn't mean. It's out there, anonymously.
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posted by joe @ 1:07 AM
2 comments
Aw, the breaking of the fourth wall is sad in a way. (And thanks for the Wiki link, I learned something new today. :) I don't know about you, but I find it incredibly difficult to write as if no one is reading, once I know there is someone reading (particularly if the someone is someone that I know personally). One of the things I have always loved about your blog is that it comes across as so real and honest. It is a rare and beautiful thing to be allowed to peer inside (bits and pieces of) another's heart and soul, especially when that someone is a kindred spirit. If your blog changes or disappears, I would miss it greatly (but I hope you would re-direct me to the new locale, if that happens.) :)
Oh, and Bravo to Ms.Q for understanding it for what it was. You are entitled to your feelings, and the person who chose to open Pandora's Box should remember that.
"Quietly now while I turn a page
Act one is over without costume change
The principal would like to leave the stage
The crowd don’t understand
I was only joking my dear
Looking for a way to hide my fear
What kind of fool was i
I could never win"
This week's off the wall song lyric is courtesy of Rod Stewart
Or maybe...
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"
- Woody Allen
Anyway, I hope the play lasts at least as long as Cats.