my funny valentine
if you've been reading this blog for long or read what i've written here (say, over the last... year), you know i have a thing for anniversaries. Things pass in time and remind me of other occurrences. Time passes, and i look up and take notice. Like little marker points. I find i do the same thing throughout the day, putting up little goals and markers to try and interject a little schedule and predictability into my life. Life can have a very stream-of-consciousness feel to it (like my writing... i know, thanks Kerouac), so i do what i can to make sense of it.
That said, this year's Valentine's Day was no exception. I've had good Val days over the years, mediocre ones, and truly awful ones. I wanted this year's to just go by without incident. I take heed of the wisdom of Dori, that you don't want nothing to happen to someone, well... because then nothing will happen to them --- but this year, i was really looking forward to nothing.
Four days before Val day, my estranged tried to feel me out...
But back to last year... I was in my vague mode last year when i was blogging about all of this stuff. Definitely not the same voice that i've grown into now. So much was left out, and all you really got out of it was that i was going through a hard time. At the time, it was the worst. My estranged had left, and i was still longing. I wanted so badly to do something on Val day to make it like old times, or to rekindle, or whatever. And then 2 days before the big V, she cut my heart out and handed it to me. The conversation went something like this....
Back to this year. Three days before the big V, i woke up at someone else's house, and enjoyed the sunny drive home immensely. No, it wasn't sex, it was better... and yes, i am crazy. The next day, my estranged decided to push a little further to see if we should do anything on Val day. She didn't want to say that she wanted to do anything, just checking to see if i did... ya, the usual. Maybe as a family thing, just a simple dinner out, whatever, no big deal. I didn't know what to say, so i shrugged it off. It kept rolling around in my head until i finally emailed her to tell her that i didn't think it was a good idea, that i didn't want to fake it, and it wasn't exactly a family-type holiday. Her response... "Don't trip out, i was checking to see.." And I'm the one tripping out?
On the big V day, i felt an urge to do the unexpected, on many levels all at the same time. Oroville is a small, crappy town, about 25 miles southeast of Chico, and it's our county seat, where all the usual county services are located -- courthouse, jail, etc. I use to work over there, and still go back to freelance and have lunch with friends. For weeks i had been meaning to go over to the courthouse to pickup the packet of divorce paperwork. I felt it was a necessary step that i needed to take, even if all i did was read through it. But i had been avoiding it. Val day felt like the worst time to do it, but it all suddenly made sense. And Oroville is also where Ms Q lives, my unexpectedly good date from the Friday before. Let's not be rash, i wasn't going to profess my undying love to her or anything. I just wanted to do something nice so the she would know someone was thinking of her. And then my mind suddenly madeup myriad other excuses why i needed to be in Oroville that day, and everything fell into place. On the drive over, a beautiful morning with plenty on my mind, i put my Treo music on random and the following songs spilled out....
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
A Change is Gonna Come, by Sam Cooke
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades, by Brand New
You know that it fades away
We all have a way
To be replaced
Replaced, by Corrina Repp
But it's too late... It's too late
No, don't you know
it's been too late
for a long time
Too Late, by Ben Folds
...yep, those songs, in that order. Ouch. Did i mention that on the same day 11 years prior, i made the first (of many) moves, and sent flowers and a cute stuffed bear to the woman that eventually became my wife, and (much later) my estranged? Or that 10 years earlier we took a ride in a horse drawn carriage, and i near the end i finally got up the nerve to pull that little ring out of my pocket? It's quite the anniversary, indeed.
The abrupt ending of my longwinded story... i got the papers (surreal and depressing), had lunch with friends (misery loves company), met with a geek to discuss technicalities (damn bureaucracy), got a paycheck that was six weeks late (a day before my mortgages were), and left a rose on Ms Q's doorstep (made her day, as well as mine). All in all, it could have been awful, but turned into a pretty good day. Later that night i had two dates, both extremely cute, and they gave me hearts and kisses (lovely kids ;-). Maybe Val day should be considered a family holiday afterall.
,
That said, this year's Valentine's Day was no exception. I've had good Val days over the years, mediocre ones, and truly awful ones. I wanted this year's to just go by without incident. I take heed of the wisdom of Dori, that you don't want nothing to happen to someone, well... because then nothing will happen to them --- but this year, i was really looking forward to nothing.
Four days before Val day, my estranged tried to feel me out...
her: you got a hot date lined up for Valentine's DayI didn't really realize until after the brief conversation ended that this was her first attempt to try and get a date. I only cared for a brief split second, and then went back to worrying about my own (real) date later that night. It wasn't supposed to be a real date, just a couple of friends having dinner and catching up. But it turned into the best, most natural, date i've had in many years.
me: Oh, you mean national Single Awareness Day? No, i'll probably just wear my same sick shirt as last year (my official Valentine's uniform) and do as little as possible.
But back to last year... I was in my vague mode last year when i was blogging about all of this stuff. Definitely not the same voice that i've grown into now. So much was left out, and all you really got out of it was that i was going through a hard time. At the time, it was the worst. My estranged had left, and i was still longing. I wanted so badly to do something on Val day to make it like old times, or to rekindle, or whatever. And then 2 days before the big V, she cut my heart out and handed it to me. The conversation went something like this....
me: i was just thinking, that if either of us starts dating anyone, we should probably let the other one know first.I've heard that conversation in my head many times, but it's still difficult to say out loud. It was awful, though not the lowest point of the last year, amazingly enough. By Val day i was still bleeding, but felt that my original intentions were still the same. So i bought a card and some tulips and snuck them into her parked car while she was off at class. A few hours later i got a call at work from her, asking in a half-serious/half-laughing tone... "What the fuck are you doing?" And i still don't know.
her: what if i just randomly pick up a guy and fuck him?
me: ummm.... did you?
her: yeah
Back to this year. Three days before the big V, i woke up at someone else's house, and enjoyed the sunny drive home immensely. No, it wasn't sex, it was better... and yes, i am crazy. The next day, my estranged decided to push a little further to see if we should do anything on Val day. She didn't want to say that she wanted to do anything, just checking to see if i did... ya, the usual. Maybe as a family thing, just a simple dinner out, whatever, no big deal. I didn't know what to say, so i shrugged it off. It kept rolling around in my head until i finally emailed her to tell her that i didn't think it was a good idea, that i didn't want to fake it, and it wasn't exactly a family-type holiday. Her response... "Don't trip out, i was checking to see.." And I'm the one tripping out?
On the big V day, i felt an urge to do the unexpected, on many levels all at the same time. Oroville is a small, crappy town, about 25 miles southeast of Chico, and it's our county seat, where all the usual county services are located -- courthouse, jail, etc. I use to work over there, and still go back to freelance and have lunch with friends. For weeks i had been meaning to go over to the courthouse to pickup the packet of divorce paperwork. I felt it was a necessary step that i needed to take, even if all i did was read through it. But i had been avoiding it. Val day felt like the worst time to do it, but it all suddenly made sense. And Oroville is also where Ms Q lives, my unexpectedly good date from the Friday before. Let's not be rash, i wasn't going to profess my undying love to her or anything. I just wanted to do something nice so the she would know someone was thinking of her. And then my mind suddenly madeup myriad other excuses why i needed to be in Oroville that day, and everything fell into place. On the drive over, a beautiful morning with plenty on my mind, i put my Treo music on random and the following songs spilled out....
and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
cause I can tell that we're going to be friends
We're Going to Be Friends, by the White Stripes
There been times that I thought I couldn't last for longthat you and I will walk together again
cause I can tell that we're going to be friends
We're Going to Be Friends, by the White Stripes
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
A Change is Gonna Come, by Sam Cooke
So pack up your bleeding heart
And put away your posies
I don't want to have a drink
Or play ring around the rosie with you
11:11, by Rufus Wainwright
So much more than he could ever give.And put away your posies
I don't want to have a drink
Or play ring around the rosie with you
11:11, by Rufus Wainwright
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades, by Brand New
You'll say you'll undersand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe, you don't know who i am
Never is a Promise, by Fiona Apple
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe, you don't know who i am
Never is a Promise, by Fiona Apple
You know that it fades away
We all have a way
To be replaced
Replaced, by Corrina Repp
We won't have to fight for long. This is the end.
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear.
Play Crack Sky, by Brand New
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear.
Play Crack Sky, by Brand New
But it's too late... It's too late
No, don't you know
it's been too late
for a long time
Too Late, by Ben Folds
...yep, those songs, in that order. Ouch. Did i mention that on the same day 11 years prior, i made the first (of many) moves, and sent flowers and a cute stuffed bear to the woman that eventually became my wife, and (much later) my estranged? Or that 10 years earlier we took a ride in a horse drawn carriage, and i near the end i finally got up the nerve to pull that little ring out of my pocket? It's quite the anniversary, indeed.
The abrupt ending of my longwinded story... i got the papers (surreal and depressing), had lunch with friends (misery loves company), met with a geek to discuss technicalities (damn bureaucracy), got a paycheck that was six weeks late (a day before my mortgages were), and left a rose on Ms Q's doorstep (made her day, as well as mine). All in all, it could have been awful, but turned into a pretty good day. Later that night i had two dates, both extremely cute, and they gave me hearts and kisses (lovely kids ;-). Maybe Val day should be considered a family holiday afterall.
,
posted by joe @ 11:47 AM
3 comments
Sorry for the late comment. I just noticed your "Eduardo". My favorite character on Foster's.
Wow... what a great soundtrack to a sad story. Ben Folds, Fiona Apple, Brand New. You just need to sprinkle in a little Counting Crows.
I'll pop "Whatever and Ever" in the CD player in your honor this morning.
"What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I've really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud"
yes, Eduardo is the greatest... probably my favorite character out of all of the kids shows i'm forced to sit through.
As for Counting Crows being a part of the list, that would have just been too weird and poignant. You see, we got together originally with the help of CC, keeping August & Everything After on my top10 album list forever. That's a story for another time though.
I understand. I keep "August" in my freezer (like Joey and "The Shining"). I only bring it out when I'm feeling emotionally masochistic.
"And I'm not ready for this sort of thing."
Anyway, good to find a kindred spirit.