i probably shouldn't have watched Definitely, Maybe. Definitely, maybe should not have watched it. But i'm an easy target. It's about a single dad, newly divorcing, telling his young daughter Maya (for fuck's sake) about how he met her mother, and all the loves of his life along the way.

Seriously, what the hell?

And i was close to tears several times, this much i can admit. The eye moisture was due to interaction with the daughter of course, not his meandering love life.

But let's take a step back to another one that's not for me. I spent an evening with friends, nothing too crazy, and then when i got home my son told me that he heard i'd gone on a date and broke the poor woman's arm.

"I don't think it was a date, but yeah, her arm's in a sling..."

Every time i find myself hanging out with this woman, it ends up being just shy of a date. And i think i'm the one that's just shy, just gunshy, just not feeling it. And yet i go back to it, and try a little more. Maybe i'm looking for a spark that's just not really there. If she wasn't already a friend, someone i respected and cared about, then she'd just be a comet and we'd have some fun and that would be all there would be. But she's not a comet, she's a sun. Just not my sun. And no, i don't even want to go into the explanation of that analogy.

So she gets a hug at the end of the night and then pecks me on the cheek and i feel like a fool. But whatever, you gotta have sparks to make a fire or else you can rub all you want and in the end just be left cold.

I should delete at least half of what's written here.

I shouldn't even be writing this here, but i still can't find my journal and that's that.

I didn't think i was looking for the one, not at all. Let me be clear that when i say "the one" i don't mean to give the impression that i think there's just one, only one, some fated soulmate that is my perfect match out there in the world. I mean it more in the context of the next one, the person that gets me, that makes me care again, that changes my jaded mind. that one. it's possible that there are multiple candidates out there, but it always just feels like one. none of the others matter so much.

awhile back i was with someone for a bit. we had fun, enjoyed each other's company. and then after awhile, i realized that she wasn't that one and never would be. I didn't expect her to be, but i was giving it a chance. The problem was that she started to see me as the one, what she'd been waiting for had finally arrived. That's not a good place to be, so i killed it before it grew anymore. so it goes.

And it was only then that i realized that even if i tell myself that i'm not really looking for the one, i am, always. i think we all are, even if we're busy distracting ourselves with others along the way. There's the harmless fling and then there's the one. It doesn't feel like there's much in-between for me anymore. I don't want to introduce my children to anyone but that one. Not that i ever have, but i could have.

So in this Hollywood clichéd vision of the world, Ryan Reynolds and his boyish good looks (which seem to be good enough for Scarlett Johansson) finds himself tangling up with a few choice women, marrying one for awhile, and then eventually realizing that there was one that he loved more than all others the whole time (about 17 years over the course of the movie). And of course she's the impossibly beautiful redhead, which we should have known all along.

i probably should have written about something else, or nothing, but these were the words swirling around in my head.

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