doesn't ring true
I took my wedding ring off, finally, about 3 weeks ago. Part of me thinks that i should remember exactly what day it was, but most of me thinks that's not such a big deal. One day it just occurred to me that it was stupid to keep wearing it. at first i felt like i couldn't just take it off, that there had to be some big deal (fighting, fucking, frightening, whatever) that lead up to some dramatic ordeal.i can get over that. But then what does it take for me to put it back on? another big deal?
My estranged hasn't worn her ring for about 6 months. Occasionally she wears an emerald ring on that finger so that guys don't hit on her (as much) at work, but she's been done with it for quite awhile. i tried explaining to my counselor that it wasn't that i didn't feel married anymore, just that i didn't feel married all the time. she says i'm the only one that's been married. they have a way of saying things that sink in, for days afterwards.
three weeks ago, when i asked my estranged (over lunch) what she thought about me taking it off, she was a little evasive, only answered by showing that she hadn't worn hers in awhile. she was very non-chalant about it. i took the ring off on the drive home from lunch. it's now hanging from the corner of the picture frame holding our wedding portrait on the fireplace mantel. I'm still sappy after all these years. seemed like a safe enough place for it.
Did she notice? No. I see her almost every day, but she didn't say anything for three weeks. She said she meant to check but never remembered. And then, as her tears welled up in her eyes, she held back telling me that she didn't care for it, holding back her criticism because she knew she had no right. i've been waiting for 5 or 6 months for the queen of mixed signals to realize what she's throwing away. I've been holding out the hope for the both of us, trudging thru the worst and giving her all the space and support i can. i just can't be as hopeful now. Part of me feels that this moves us further apart, but in truth i think that it's me moving just as far as she's always been. catching up. accepting. beginning to heal, as my counselor says.
later that afternoon, my estranged said that she had noticed the ring missing before, she just didn't know how to bring it up. i have no idea why she would lie first, then tell the truth. both conversations were tough, but i didn't break down and cry like she did. i guess i've had my cry and breakdown already. i don't know what the hell she wants, and i'm not sure what would make her happy. she doesn't really know either. I'm less and less sure that it's me.
on the other hand, this ring and i have taken a long break in the past. and it was right there waiting for me when it was time to take up the committment again. so there's a little hope left in me that the circle is not yet broken.
My estranged hasn't worn her ring for about 6 months. Occasionally she wears an emerald ring on that finger so that guys don't hit on her (as much) at work, but she's been done with it for quite awhile. i tried explaining to my counselor that it wasn't that i didn't feel married anymore, just that i didn't feel married all the time. she says i'm the only one that's been married. they have a way of saying things that sink in, for days afterwards.three weeks ago, when i asked my estranged (over lunch) what she thought about me taking it off, she was a little evasive, only answered by showing that she hadn't worn hers in awhile. she was very non-chalant about it. i took the ring off on the drive home from lunch. it's now hanging from the corner of the picture frame holding our wedding portrait on the fireplace mantel. I'm still sappy after all these years. seemed like a safe enough place for it.
Did she notice? No. I see her almost every day, but she didn't say anything for three weeks. She said she meant to check but never remembered. And then, as her tears welled up in her eyes, she held back telling me that she didn't care for it, holding back her criticism because she knew she had no right. i've been waiting for 5 or 6 months for the queen of mixed signals to realize what she's throwing away. I've been holding out the hope for the both of us, trudging thru the worst and giving her all the space and support i can. i just can't be as hopeful now. Part of me feels that this moves us further apart, but in truth i think that it's me moving just as far as she's always been. catching up. accepting. beginning to heal, as my counselor says.
later that afternoon, my estranged said that she had noticed the ring missing before, she just didn't know how to bring it up. i have no idea why she would lie first, then tell the truth. both conversations were tough, but i didn't break down and cry like she did. i guess i've had my cry and breakdown already. i don't know what the hell she wants, and i'm not sure what would make her happy. she doesn't really know either. I'm less and less sure that it's me.
on the other hand, this ring and i have taken a long break in the past. and it was right there waiting for me when it was time to take up the committment again. so there's a little hope left in me that the circle is not yet broken.
posted by joe @ 11:12 PM
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