backwards reasoning
i just returned home, after a few weird days away. it was weird being away, but not nearly as much as returning home. i don't even know where to start with this entry, other than to warn that it will most likely be rambling, open, and occasionaly vague & obtuse. I'm piecing it all together, and my own reaction to it, by moving backwards. So maybe that's the best way to tell the story as well.
I'm a bit sleepy, sipping tea, trying to get back to my groove. After this i'll probably watch Deadwood and lament the fact that there might only be one more episode. The house is a wreck and i grumble as i pick up toys, dishes, assorted crap. Then i get an email from my estranged, with Jack Johnson song attached. Sample lyrics...
But lest she lose the title of Ms. MixedSignals, the song later goes on to say we can't rewind... well, thanks for that.
Before that, i got home to a crazy house. One kid screaming in the bath because she doesn't like the order that mom does the washing in; other kid following me around the house; while the estranged generally avoids me, lies in my bed catching her breath, and then leaves suddenly.... very tired, as usual. It was like saying goodnight to the babysitter, not like someone i've been married to since last century. The kids were wonderful, alternating between too cute and too cuddly. It was so nice to see them that i didn't think of the grumpy other or notice the mess of a house until they were off to Neverland.
Before that, i traveled up the valley from Monterrey, and it was quite hot and boring as the valley typically is. Complete opposite of Monterey. In the car, my pseudo-boss tells many stories (as always), but then branches off to how his parents split, how hard it was on him, and why they're still friends. He said they were always great friends, but didn't have that spark after awhile. One spouse cheated, the other disappeared for a few years. There relationship was of strong friendship, which has always been there for them, years afterwards at family events and such. It's a shame that they couldn't stay married and friendly, but maybe it wasn't meant to be that way. Poignant.
Before that, i was sticking it out thru a boring conference/retreat wrapping up with a long half day. There was one bright spot, young lady in the mix, but i mostly kept my distance. Okay, maybe not, but i definitely didn't get as close as i would have liked to. Due to the previous evening, i wasn't so sure how close i should get, or wanted to get. But i watched her all day, and suffered in my silence. Except for the moments of reason when i realized that it wasn't really about her at all. I told her i'd email her, for supposedly work-related reasons. that will be an awkward message.
Before that, i went to bed at 2 in a dark, stale, and generally empty hotel room. I couldn't sleep though, so i put on a T-shirt and wandered around the balcony admiring the ocean waves. I wasn't sure on her room number, but i passed by many times in the general location just in hope that someone else couldn't sleep. Half an hour of that got me into bed, but not by much... i woke up every few minutes beginning at around 10 minutes after 5am. The pool didn't open until 10 so i ended up going out for a sip of coffee on the beach, watching the waves. Very little sleep in me, but completely fidgetty.... and over-thinking it, even though i know that i shouldn't do that.
Before that, we left the party last, with the friendly new girl along to drive. I probably was sober enough to drive myself, but i knew it would be more fun with her along. Conversation in the parking lot ended up moving to the hotel room where the rest of us were headed to drink anyway. She didn't drink, but she came along for the talk and company, despite functioning on very little sleep. She stayed for an hour or more. I kept telling myself that i'd walk her to her room when she went to leave. When the time came i just froze, barely even saying goodnight. terrible. i can justify it in my head in many ways, but i just choked. maybe it's just better to admit that mistake and move on. Instead i beat myself up over it all night, getting little sleep in the process.
Before that, we started the retreat around noon, when i was finally starting to feel a little better, not so nauseous. My headache was still pounding so i avoided coffee and sucked down as much water as i could get my hands on. It was an awful place to be at, in my awful condition, but i had to make the best of it. The best was a young lady that caught my eye and held my attention long enough for my pseudo-boss to throw down the gauntlet and require me to make a move within the hour. i'm not a playa, by any means, but i knew i needed to take that step. Lucky for me she took the step first and approached to chit-chat. Messy details aside, she made my headache disappear and the possibilities of my evening open up. Pseudo-boss did his usual handiwork of pushing pieces into place and the conversation moved further along. Only bump in the road was finding out that her recent messy divorce had driven her back into the arms of her previous ex-fiance. I never heard the full story on that one, but maybe some day. Hearing that she had a beau deflated me immensely.
Before that, i woke up hung over, way too early, next to half-naked pseudo-boss in a stuffy hotel room looking out over the ocean. Breakfast was okay but my body complained mightily of the previous night's festivities from there on out. We headed to a meeting at a client's home, and the pure torture of all participants. I was so sick and ready to puke that att one point i even pilfered the medicine cabinet of our host, sipping from an expired (june '99!) bottle of nausia medicine that claimed to be useful for "overindulgence of food or drink." It didn't help. I should have just puked on the most annoying person in the room/city/state, and got it over with.
Before that, we checked into the Embassy Suites with it's all-u-care-to-indulge happy hour goodness. The bartender was awful, but awfully nice. His Long Island concoction tasted shitty but did me in just fine. The following hours were blurry, but i ate and drank some more, and ended up back in the hotel for more drinkin/smokin/carousing. Was it worth the pain that followed? hard to say. Next time i should order a glass of moderation while i'm at it.
This all means something, but i'm too tired and it's too late to analyze or ask my abstract rhetorical questions tonight. The end was just where i ended up, where the rest of the story lead me. I don't have to over-think this one in order to understand that it's all connected.... intersegmentally.
I'm a bit sleepy, sipping tea, trying to get back to my groove. After this i'll probably watch Deadwood and lament the fact that there might only be one more episode. The house is a wreck and i grumble as i pick up toys, dishes, assorted crap. Then i get an email from my estranged, with Jack Johnson song attached. Sample lyrics...
But I was crazy about you then and now
The craziest thing of all, over ten years have gone by
And you're still mine, we're locked in time
Let's rewind
-- Jack Johnson, Do You Remember
But lest she lose the title of Ms. MixedSignals, the song later goes on to say we can't rewind... well, thanks for that.
Before that, i got home to a crazy house. One kid screaming in the bath because she doesn't like the order that mom does the washing in; other kid following me around the house; while the estranged generally avoids me, lies in my bed catching her breath, and then leaves suddenly.... very tired, as usual. It was like saying goodnight to the babysitter, not like someone i've been married to since last century. The kids were wonderful, alternating between too cute and too cuddly. It was so nice to see them that i didn't think of the grumpy other or notice the mess of a house until they were off to Neverland.
Before that, i traveled up the valley from Monterrey, and it was quite hot and boring as the valley typically is. Complete opposite of Monterey. In the car, my pseudo-boss tells many stories (as always), but then branches off to how his parents split, how hard it was on him, and why they're still friends. He said they were always great friends, but didn't have that spark after awhile. One spouse cheated, the other disappeared for a few years. There relationship was of strong friendship, which has always been there for them, years afterwards at family events and such. It's a shame that they couldn't stay married and friendly, but maybe it wasn't meant to be that way. Poignant.
Before that, i was sticking it out thru a boring conference/retreat wrapping up with a long half day. There was one bright spot, young lady in the mix, but i mostly kept my distance. Okay, maybe not, but i definitely didn't get as close as i would have liked to. Due to the previous evening, i wasn't so sure how close i should get, or wanted to get. But i watched her all day, and suffered in my silence. Except for the moments of reason when i realized that it wasn't really about her at all. I told her i'd email her, for supposedly work-related reasons. that will be an awkward message.
Before that, i went to bed at 2 in a dark, stale, and generally empty hotel room. I couldn't sleep though, so i put on a T-shirt and wandered around the balcony admiring the ocean waves. I wasn't sure on her room number, but i passed by many times in the general location just in hope that someone else couldn't sleep. Half an hour of that got me into bed, but not by much... i woke up every few minutes beginning at around 10 minutes after 5am. The pool didn't open until 10 so i ended up going out for a sip of coffee on the beach, watching the waves. Very little sleep in me, but completely fidgetty.... and over-thinking it, even though i know that i shouldn't do that.
Before that, we left the party last, with the friendly new girl along to drive. I probably was sober enough to drive myself, but i knew it would be more fun with her along. Conversation in the parking lot ended up moving to the hotel room where the rest of us were headed to drink anyway. She didn't drink, but she came along for the talk and company, despite functioning on very little sleep. She stayed for an hour or more. I kept telling myself that i'd walk her to her room when she went to leave. When the time came i just froze, barely even saying goodnight. terrible. i can justify it in my head in many ways, but i just choked. maybe it's just better to admit that mistake and move on. Instead i beat myself up over it all night, getting little sleep in the process.
Before that, we started the retreat around noon, when i was finally starting to feel a little better, not so nauseous. My headache was still pounding so i avoided coffee and sucked down as much water as i could get my hands on. It was an awful place to be at, in my awful condition, but i had to make the best of it. The best was a young lady that caught my eye and held my attention long enough for my pseudo-boss to throw down the gauntlet and require me to make a move within the hour. i'm not a playa, by any means, but i knew i needed to take that step. Lucky for me she took the step first and approached to chit-chat. Messy details aside, she made my headache disappear and the possibilities of my evening open up. Pseudo-boss did his usual handiwork of pushing pieces into place and the conversation moved further along. Only bump in the road was finding out that her recent messy divorce had driven her back into the arms of her previous ex-fiance. I never heard the full story on that one, but maybe some day. Hearing that she had a beau deflated me immensely.
Before that, i woke up hung over, way too early, next to half-naked pseudo-boss in a stuffy hotel room looking out over the ocean. Breakfast was okay but my body complained mightily of the previous night's festivities from there on out. We headed to a meeting at a client's home, and the pure torture of all participants. I was so sick and ready to puke that att one point i even pilfered the medicine cabinet of our host, sipping from an expired (june '99!) bottle of nausia medicine that claimed to be useful for "overindulgence of food or drink." It didn't help. I should have just puked on the most annoying person in the room/city/state, and got it over with.
Before that, we checked into the Embassy Suites with it's all-u-care-to-indulge happy hour goodness. The bartender was awful, but awfully nice. His Long Island concoction tasted shitty but did me in just fine. The following hours were blurry, but i ate and drank some more, and ended up back in the hotel for more drinkin/smokin/carousing. Was it worth the pain that followed? hard to say. Next time i should order a glass of moderation while i'm at it.
This all means something, but i'm too tired and it's too late to analyze or ask my abstract rhetorical questions tonight. The end was just where i ended up, where the rest of the story lead me. I don't have to over-think this one in order to understand that it's all connected.... intersegmentally.
what if you decide, that you don't want me there in your life?
-- What If, Coldplay
posted by joe @ 11:04 PM
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