last year I went to Burning Man with intent, with purpose, with things to burn down and let go of. i needed to end the summer. i needed to start over. this year wasn't as clear but may have been just as necessary.

last year i bought my ticket about 2 weeks before the event, which pushed me into the will call line, which changed everything.

this year i bought my ticket in February, about as early as i could. i knew all along that i wanted to go, from the moment we left last year. i missed it. i wanted to be there, in the midst of it all again. i missed the people and the sunrise, the fire and the freedom. i bought more crap, prepared so much more, tried to get it all straight. but it didn't help make it any better. if anything, i wish i could go back and do it like the first time, lost and naive.

in heading out, in asking myself why it was that i was even going or what i was looking for, the only answer i could come up with is that i was trying to find answers to all of the questions i didn't know how to ask. i was trying to figure out what was wrong. something didn't feel right, hadn't for several weeks. nothing in particular really, just unsettled and anxious. actually, it's not so much that i was trying to figure it out, i just wanted it to go away.

there was a moment about 6 weeks ago when i had the thought that i might be getting sick again. that scared the shit out of me. there are ways to be more careful, to live right, to be okay. sometimes i lose sight of how important that is. i'm sure it was tied up in everything else. my body sent out warning signals. i'm glad i listened.

this year at Burning Man for me was just about feeling free and comfortable and unencumbered. I went out and danced in a tutu all night (it was TuTu Tuesday so by all means i had to). i watched and appreciated the odd couples, the freaks, the hippie couples and their babies, the lonely, the desperate, and the joyous. I ran off with the fairies, flapped my wings, had my body covered in blue glitter, dozed off waiting for the sunrise, braved dust storms, and even sent a letter to my future self (to be delivered in five years or so).

i took polaroids of people and then gave them away. there's something special about a polaroid picture that never fails to make people smile.

i took about 2 rolls of film with my fisheye, though they're not developed yet. i didn't touch my digital camera at all.

i told secrets. i didn't even realize it at the time, but there were things that i brought up that i probably could've/should've kept to myself. i still read PostSecret every week, as a peek inside people's lives to the side they don't really show people. I don't even think i have a secret that i haven't told anyone ever. If i did before, it's probably gone now. i put it out there. i like being able to do that. Not in a reckless way, but in comfort that i can be myself and not care about being judged.

I'm not sure the people I camped with are really right for me, maybe not exactly who i would choose from all of the people out there. I like them, they're my friends, but we aren't of the same mind on so many things. Fake boobs for instance, that's an easy one. I don't see much reason for any of these women to get breast implants, though they're quite popular with all of the women I camped with.

and then along the way I also realized that we don't all need to agree or share complimentary opinions on most things. our differences made us work as a community just as our similarities did. each person has good things about them that balance out the rest, myself included.

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and then, along the way and towards the end of my week at Burning Man, i saw something stuck on the side of a bus that stayed with me...

Belief is the result of a decision to stop asking questions.

It ate away at me for a few days, and to some extent it still does. It brought to mind the many times in my life that i've lost my beliefs, lost faith, started asking questions. It makes me think of the things that i believe in, that i let go of and accept, without question. It brings to mind all of the questions that stand in the way of me believing in the Us.

I don't know what to do with all of the questions. I don't know how to stop asking them. I don't think i'm really ready to. There was a time when i didn't ask any questions, just accepted and loved and believed. My head's been filled with questions and doubts and logic. I don't have the hopeless abandon that i should with you. i miss that. the questions are a burden.

there's a temple beyond the Man, further out on the playa, where people collect their memories and wishes. the night after the Man is burned, they burn down the temple. It's really a beautiful place, especially at sunrise. there are always people there. the walls fill up with pictures and writings and whatever can be fit in. Last year I imagined myself throwing stuff on that fire, letting it burn away. This year i appreciated all that people left behind, but didn't really feel like there was anything i needed to burn. I'm not letting go of anything. Maybe i should have burned my questions and been left with only belief.

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